ps...

...the Bird is 17 months old today. Just when I think it can't get any better - it does!

With my whole heart, Birdie...I love to watch you grow!

Saturday, November 27

I've missed a few days b/c of the holiday. Lo siento! But I have decided to not go back and just move forward. So...

Today I am thankful for the comfort of this house. We have truly made this cozy brick bungalow into a nest for a family. A small, happy, thriving family. How awesome is that?

When I first quit my agency job to work at home and maintain my own client load. I worried that I'd be bored. That I'd be stir crazy. That I'd want out of these four walls. And yes, I did feel those things. Everyone does. But the most overwhelming thing I felt was content. Happy to wake up in my jammies, make the coffee or brew the tea and start a completely different routine. No rushing out the door. No anxiety over traffic, early meetings, co-worker classhes...I started to settle into a new version of myself that I liked a lot better.

When we brought Mila home, I started another new routine - constantly reorganzing every single item in every single room to make room for our growing collection of babyness. It's awesome. I'm driven to live more simply to make room for the most important person in this humble abode

I know we will have to move in the near future. I know our family can't really grow much more in this house.
But for now,  I love to come home to this house. We got engaged in this house and brought our bebe here on her third day of life. We are growing our businesses out of this house. We continue to make this house work for us and it continues to make us feel safe and content and loved and sane.

Want & Love

Bobbi Brown Holiday Glamour Set Nordstrom.com

Tuesday, November 23

So, I've been remiss in my mission to blog daily. But we've been a bit in upheaval so with sincere apologies - here is a quick list of my thankfulness and appreciation for the past 6 days (November 17 - November 22):

I am thankful for the kindness of my husband, strength of family, beautiful memories, cooking for comfort, really good friends and a future to look forward to.

And...finally...

Today, I am grateful for my child's smile. I watched her from across the room last night. She was playing with her cousins. Entertaining them with her toddler antics and Milabird sass. So much energy, so many smiles. Finally, my eyes caught her attention and I was flashed the most beautiful, amazing, heart-melting smile...I am still warm and fuzzy from the love in that grin. There is pure joy in the innocence and fun of childsplay. I'm so lucky to be around.

Tuesday, November 16

More and more I notice the amount of non-listening that goes on in life. I know that do it, too. But I want to acknowledge it in an effort to improve. To that end, I am grateful to have good listeners in my life.

Thanks to my ladies for listening to me. I will return the favor with open ears.

XO

dress me up

I am a dress girl. It's so ladylike and fun to wear a dress and, these days, I almost refuse dress pants or a suit and always go for a girly dress. I want to slip into one of these and have a delicious date with Dfab....

want want want

Do you ever feel like you are losing your inner-youness? I have felt mine teetering lately. But I'm gonna rally and I have a suspicion that these shoes will help. Which would you choose? What screams "Raymee"?

Classic Cord Tom OR Sparkle Tom?

Want Want Want. XO

thanksgiving fever starts early...

this bird is ready to get her gobble on...

...just a few more days, sweetie!

Monday, November 15

Today, I am thankful for the feeling of anticipation and all that it holds. And that is all.

Sunday, November 14

Speaking of my dad...Happy Birthday, Big Bg Daddy Waddy! Today is your dad's 58th birthday!

I am so thankful to have such a good dad. Not only have I felt his love and protection every day of my life without fail, now that I am grown woman I also really like him. He has the best laugh on the planet. It borders on hilarious hysteria. It's fantastic.

I love talking to him about music and am always surprised by what he's into and how he stretches himself to like so many different kinds of music. I can remember waking up on the weekend to my dad lying on the floor in the den listening to his collection - the house silent around him, his eyes closed. It always looked like bliss to me. I like to remember him like that and stop in the middle of the day to take in my favorite music - it's like a reset button.

Now that I am the mother to a little girl, I am even more grateful and thankful for such a good dad. I think girls really need that love, affection and adoration when they are little. I always felt beautiful, intelligent, listened to and loved. I might not always see eye-to-eye with my dad and I might not have always made the choices he wished for me, but he gave me the gift of confidence and perspective from an early age. Even now, I wake up every day knowing that my dad thinks I'm really special -- regardless of all that life throws at me  -- and that is really special to me.

So, Dad. I think you are pretty awesome. I'm a lucky little girl.

XOXO,
Raymee Jo

iheartspaghetti

We weren't supposed to be home today. We were supposed to be in Illinois
celebrating my dad on his birthday. But my 'lil one is sick :-(
So, I'm turning my frown upside down and making a lasagna for dinner.
I love to start a Sunday meal early in the day. It's like foreplay...

Feel better, Birdie. I'm ready to play!

With my whole heart,

Mommy

Saturday, November 13

We had to take Birdie to the doc this a.m. b/c this nasty bug simply won't let up. She's lethargic, cranky, achy and refuses most food and drink. :-( It's a sad state of affairs. But on the upside, she hasn't given Dfab or I this much attention since she was a wee tiny bebe. Being able to hold her and provide comfort is such a beautiful, simple, honest thing. We relish every second.

So today, I'm grateful for strong arms, a soft chest and a happy marriage. All provide comfort to our precious little one.

Friday, November 12

I am grateful for waking up with a clear head and the ability to not overreact. Even when I reeeaaally want to. I have to admit that when my tiny child is fighting off any illness, my mind goes to all sorts of psycho places trying to imagine what is wrong with her. But I am trying to harder to contain myself and let the inner-mommy win over the anxious-Raymee.

So, I choose to look at her perfect face snoozing next to me on the couch and know she is fine. Better than fine. She's my BIRD. Even if my clear headedness only lasts until she wakes up from her nap...I'm thankful for the respite from my wild brain.

Skip to the Lou

Thanks to my friend Chris, our Etsy page got a little love this week. I wouldn't be a good mompreneur if I didn't ask you to go look at it, would I? Keep your eye on Skip to the Lou b/c we've got some surprises in the mix and we're gonna show up soon. Maybe in color!

XO http://www.etsy.com/shop/skiptothelou

Thursday, November 11

It's hard to look at this picture and see a soldier. All I see is a little blonde cutie pie that I want to go back in time and hug senseless.

But that little guy standing next to me (yes, that is little me) is my brother Tyson and he proudly served our country in the Air Force for 6 years. Next August, our little baby brother Reid will enlist in the Marines. I am so grateful for the sacrifices our soldiers make and the bravery they show doing something everyday that they believe in. For us. It's a blessing I am not sure I would fully understand if the military had not personally affected me.

I am thankful to both of my brothers. In order to better their own lives, they are serving all of us. No matter where you stand politically, honor is honor.

So, to all the soldiers (but especially my sweet, brave, hilarious brothers): much love and continued safety.

Wednesday, November 10

Today, I am grateful for a messy house and the family I pick-up after every single day.

I went to bed a little cranky and SO ready for the day to be over (that is a long story and one I WISH I could blog about...) When I woke up my mood was changed but there were shoes scattered about every room, a sink full of dirty dishes, my dining table converted to a laundry sorting station....

But, so what if Dfab leaves his shoes in every open crevice of this house? So what if I literally fell to my knees b/c I tripped over a toy car in the hallway while carrying the baby in the dark? So what if I will spend the better part of my day picking up and cleaning only to do it all over again tomorrow? I am grateful that this house is filled with a family. I am so thankful that the family is mine.

first braid!

Today I gave my Birdie her very first braid. It's kind of a big deal in this house. We are braid people. Dfab loves me in my braids (he can't help it. he is a recovering hippie and he always likes me best in denim, braids and free of makeup. god bless dfab, for real!) and now we have a baby braid. It's the little things in life, people...it really truly is.

Tuesday, November 9

I am thankful for leggings. I am thankful for my black, stretchy, shiny leggings. I love how they look with my ballet flats and how they keep my chambray dress from looking too sloppy. And with a quickness, I am off to look not too sloppy for the entire day.

Monday, November 8

Today, I am grateful for the ability to rearrange my day with limited stress. I am also grateful that having Milabird has taught me how to be flexible in ways I didn't think were possible for my ducks-in-a-row nature.

Couple of gratitude sidebars:
---I'm super thankful for my first experience baking with puff pastry. On the menu: parmesan cheese straws to go with dinner & for this week's sweet treat - nutella and peanut turnovers.
-- I am glad that I read Rolling Stone from cover to cover so that this week I am re-loving Phoenix all over again. Music=Love.

Sunday, November 7

I am thankful for the wee small hours of the morning and time alone with Milabird. She's all snuggly in her tye-dyed jammies, hugging her bunny and seeking me out for comfort. 5:30 comes early but it also comes sweetly.

Saturday, November 6

If you are ever in a slump, hop on a train with your best gals, drink wine all day and bask in the beautiful fall weather. Two words that make me smile and laugh 'til tears: Amy & Lara. XO, Ladies.

Friday, November 5

Everyday (sometime) between the hours of Noon and 3 p.m. my house becomes very still. The hum of the baby monitor in the background gives way to my favorite iPod mix and a mad dash to get work done, finish the laundry, do the dishes OR simply play Facebook. I'm thankful for whatever teeny tiny shred of time I have to myself during the day. I like me. It's fun to hang out.

Thursday, November 4

Today is all about Nicki. I am so super incredibly grateful for Nicki. With one whip of her pen - she brings it to life. I love you, Nicki. TSL4ever.

Wednesday, November 3

As I type I'm surrounded by plastic toy food, a shopping cart, a mail cart and two shrieking toddlers but I love it. I mean, they ARE letting me get these posts done, aren't they? As long as I ignore the mess and focus on the cute, I remain grateful for these two little people.

I'm also extremely thankful my mama friends. I'm so lucky that they trust me, love my baby girl and take time to help. Help is bliss.

Tuesday, November 2

Today is election day. I woke up full of earnest to get out and vote but my day got caught up in errands and picking the baby up. We made it out to the polls after dinner and I was glad to have gone. I'm really thankful to live in a country where I have the right to vote. I'm also thankful to live in a country where I can freely express that I am truly disappointed with the state of politics in this country...it seems like an extreme contradiction to live somewhere where freedom reigns but mud slings.

Still, I'm thankful that we can rock the vote. It's what it is all about. Even Mila rocked the vote ;-)

Monday, November 1

I am grateful for little girls. I had my little cousins Hannah and Ellie over tonight for pizza and to play with Mila. I love pretty much everything about little girls.

Being Thankful...

A very dear friend of mine from childhood is sharing her thankfulness on Facebook every day. I think it's a great exercise in being grateful but also discipline to post everyday this month. So, here we go.

lady friends

I had dinner last night with my lady friends. Hilarity. We tried a new place and they didn't serve alcohol. There were six panicked faces at that table - especially with three mothers without their children around the table. I am so grateful for my lady friends. They remind me who I am.. They make me laugh. I love my husband. I adore my bebe. But I truly need my lady friends.

I love my *mothers*.

xo

It's hump day. I love saying that.

I'm FINALLY feeling better despite the lingering cough - which I'm mostly ignoring in hopes that it will take the hint and flee. Like I always tell Stella - "nobody likes that."

This week has had it's share of basement dwelling so far with reorganizing and working on the next glass order going out. All the basement dwelling has led to a lot of music listening which is a blessed thing. I pretty much can not stop listening to Arcade Fire. I downloaded Neon Bible. WHY DID I NOT ALREADY HAVE THIS ALBUM. Happiness. This is my fav.

envy envy is no fun...

I am having serious new house envy. It seems like everyone I know is either upgrading their current house or moving into a house that is new to them. And, as my most honest self, I am envious.

I love our house. It's in one of my favorite neighborhoods in all of St. Louis. I love the cottagey, warm, cozy feel of this house. We got engaged here, made a baby here and bought that baby here to grow up with us. We've started businesses here, ran them and stored every single thing we produced in our teenytinysmall basement. So I don't want to let my house feel that I'm starting to stray...but I am...

I can close my eyes and see my next house. Spacious, one-level, lots of bedrooms and just enough bathrooms (I freaking HATE cleaning toilets and sinks.) A good yard and enough space for David and his employee gaggle can work on-site but out of site, too. I want the kids to have a yard to play in but be close enough to all the comforts of my city. Trees, flowers and room for the compost pile, too.

Oh well, for now I think I should close my eyes and try to see patience in my future, too. ;-)

got me thinking...

I've been following this blog that I LOVE - pacingthepanicroom - one of the most recent posts talks about the writer's current estrangement from his parents. I read it and reread it several times and it got me thinking about how many adult people are estranged from their parents - at least for significant portions/periods of time.

By all definitions, I am estranged from one of my parents. It pretty much sucks. But it also feels like the only way I can really live a peaceful life - and that feeling (while true and justified) brings about other feelings of guilt. What kind of murpile doesn't like their own parent? What does that mean for ME as a parent?

I mean, it's some seriously heady shit, isn't it? When I was pregnant I probably almost killed my cousin Nicki with my constant musings on the topic. What did it mean for me as a new parent? Especially as the mother to a tiny baby girl who would someday grow into a woman...and be a little bit like my peer. Looking back on MY life with her keen eye into my soul...My therapist said to me, "One of two things will likely occur when you give birth and begin to get to know your child -- 1) you will feel a sense of urgency or desire to connect with your parent or 2) you will feel even more at peace with where you are in the relationship cycle b/c the past will be even more confusing to you.

I'm way into #2. I simply don't get it and I simply don't know how to fix it. So I do nothing. I'm pretty content with nothing until the guilt starts to creep up. And it always does.

XO

bake-a-saurus rex

Today I baked an apple pie and a loaf of banana bread. And before I go to sleep I will complete a shopping list for a monster batch of monster cookies I will bake on Friday. I don't want to cook dinner. I'll just eat banana bread and for dessert I'll have apple pie a-la-mode. Best Day Ever.

ps- putting blueberries in banana bread is tantamount to sheer bliss. try it. love it.

xo

I'm in my jammy jams, my bebe is resting soundly, the doors are locked and I'm settling in to watch Glee.

Tuesday. It's been a good one. 'Til next week...

xo

i really need my baby to stop looking like a child.
cool it, birdie.
please? just slow down a little?

with my whole heart, mommy

content and contentment

Being sicky has given me some time. My brain has been mushy and my thoughts have been self-centered. Aside from feeling like dirt and worrying about Mila pretty much non-stop, I've been having some great ideas regarding some book content. Maybe it's the cold medicine....or night sweats which give me some rare awake time at 3, 4 and 5 a.m. Whatever, I'll take it.

I had such a great summer and I really needed it. I dropped my client load down really low and spent some QT with Mila, learned more about Dfab's biz and packaged a LOT of glass. But I think I need a little more now. I don't want to spend the winter cooped up like a dog with no outlet. It won't be good for mommy and it won't be good for Mila. I am feeling more confident that we are working toward a more permanent-ish schedule and it's time for me to get off my summer vacation kick and get back to school. And get down to business.

As Nicki always says, "we've got some irons in the fire." And it's true. This shit isn't going to solve itself but my to-do list is long.

-- website (can we afford it?)
-- photography (can we write off the new camera that I want and can I convince Dfab that our current camera is not cutting it?)
-- etsy (time is on my side, see photos)
-- overstock (sell, sell, sell)
-- materials for side project (writing/design)
-- plan for second side project (xoxonicki)
-- skip to the motherfuckinglou (xoxonicki)
-- package, package, package
-- organize basement (glass, storage and packaging center)
-- write, write, write (make time for myself or i'm being a daft cow)

Notice, there isn't much PR on this list. Am I really ready to let it go.....?

sicky sicky blah blah

Mila and I have been sick and it stinks. It's taxing to be sick and take care of myself but add in a sick Milabird and shit gets real interesting. At one point last week, I found myself arguing with a toddler who can't even speak. We were just trading whines at one another. We all have our low points....eh?

I'm willing this to be a better week! I washed the bedding today and wiped everything down and welcomed some fresh, cool air into the house (despite shivers, dirty looks and complaints from the hubs :-)

ucky

my petite darling isn't feeling her best. she's got snot dripping out of her nose like a faucet. she wipes her face and repeats "ucky" over and over again. i feel ya sister.

having a tiny bebe who isn't feeling well takes a toll - eventually. after about 48 hours toddling around the house whining and clinging and sniffling and sneezing we are both starting to lose it. my sympathy and my worry are my constant companions but they have abandoned me today, too. but no one likes tiny humans to rub yogurt on their walls and mirrors. it's not just a raymee thing.

today's ucky. word.

silly pants



We are going through a very silly phase right now. I couldn't love it more if I tried. When I was pregnant I would rub my belly and wish for some serious silliness. She's a silly pants genie in a bottle...

exquisite

There is really nothing in this life, in my experience, that compares to the exquisteness of my baby sleeping. All snuggly in her crib with a warm face and warm hands and feet. I can't resist touching her soft soft soft hair and fight the urge (every single night for nearly 15 months) to pick her up and craddle her (while she'll still let me) and whisper into her ear "I love you. I love you. I love you. With my whole heart."

Oh, Milabird. You make my heart so happy.

backyard bliss

birdie and i just spend a few hours roaming around the backyard. we covered the hilly part with the overgrowth and wood pile. we wandered over to the brick patio and examined the moss growing through the cracks. we agree it's pretty cool and we shouldn't get rid of the moss.

we walked down the hill by the broken grill and then over to the big maple tree in the center of the yard. we found a convenient bench on the backside of the tree and we chilled there for a few seconds. we spotted the sandbox and the water table and we pushed them on their sides and dumped out all of the toys. we tried to pick them up, but we got distracted by the deflated baby pool. after we dumped handfuls of leaves into the baby pool pile, we laid out our bright blue blanket and sky gazed.

it's such a beautiful day. it's birdie's naptime foreplay. energy burns out into a short slumber. laying next to my little girl on this bright blue blanket under this bright blue sky is bliss.

renewed perspective

I woke up with a bit of renewed perspective today. I woke up (way too freaking early again) thinking about what I HAD to do today. The list is pretty small which should have felt like a YAY but instead it made me feel like a loser.

How am I accounting for the hours in my day? Before the baby I kept busy with clients, lunches, errands, chores, friends and nights out followed by days spent recovering. Now, I spend my days chasing a tiny human, keeping up with house work, running to the store to replenish our milk and banana supply.

I hear myself saying these kinds of things all the time. But the simple fact is, I DO have some free time. I just don't use it wisely. I use it play Facebook, which - let's face it - is NOT improving my life in any real way. I also check my email. Obsessively. I developed my email habit back in 2000 and I doubt I will ever change. My old job made me email paranoid and so I check my email constantly. Blech.

But while I'm wrapped up in all these other tasks I have these ideas floating through my head. Characters, story lines, topics and thoughts just waiting to be written down and flushed out and removed from my brain. So I'm adopting a renewed perspective on my life. It's not about time, it's how I'm spending my time. I'm gonna spend more wisely...or at least try to.

Realization is half the journey, eh?

slow night, so long

i'm rattling around the basement tonight, cleaning up the mess of taxes, billing, packaging and all around insanity we've been conducting in this tiny house lately. out of this insanity has come significant clarity on many things so for this mess i am grateful right now. i'm also grateful to my tiny girl who is sleeping like a champ and giving me a few moments to myself tonight.

2/2 neighborhood watch

In the morning I like to open the front window and curl into a tiny corner of the couch. It's quiet and often still dark...sadly. But it's become my routine to nurse the baby and relax into the morning.

I've become a bit of a neighborhood watch. My nature makes me nosey...the lady across the street has a strange, obsessive and new relationship with her dog. She marches around in sweatpants and strange wide-brimmed hats...up and down the sidewalks. The elderly couple next door are predictable beyond belief. Constantly backing one of their two maroon cars up and down the drive. Pulling into our driveway, parking on the street, moving the other car, back into the driveway, the husband finally gets into the running car - the wife yelling at hime all along the way - in between every step of this activity.

The younger couple across the street are hilarious. He goes to school for his MBA and chills all day (my kinda guy!!) and I'm not sure what she does but I imagine she's a bank teller or something. Anyway, she acts like every morning is antartic and starts warming her car up at least 30 mins before she leaves for work. The other day it sat there warming up for 42 minutes. (Yes, I watched the clock b/c I'm eco-concious and trying to be quietly entertained while my baby grants me 30 minutes of quiet while she cat naps...see: nosey)

1/13

You know, sometimes sticking up for myself sucks. But tonight I did and I'm pretty I'll sleep better but that nagging, tugging feeling will stick around for a few days. Blah.

It's hard being a mom and working and trying to meet the demands and do my job when, if I'm being honest, I only want to be with the baby. When I got pregnant I knew that certain things about work were going to change and I told myself that I would take things day by day and make it work to keep Mila at home. I've had to change my approach to business - conference calls in the morning and during naps, coffee dates instead of lunch, not apologizing for taking Friday off and not beating myself up when I work a little bit on Friday morning.

So, recently a client asked me to go on an overnight trip for a big planning meeting on the east coast. I immediately felt a sense of panic. I have never left my daughter for more than 6 hours. I'm still breastfeeding every 2 hours and my mind was racing of all the reasons it wouldn't work. But the reality of the situation was that I simply am not ready to leave her yet. It might not be rational, but it's honest. And the reason that I work here at home is to give myself the freedom to make these choices and take this time with Mila. You can imagine my surprise when said client calls me back after several conversations in which we determine (each time) that I will not be going on the trip to revisit the topic. Not only does he call me to revisit the topic, now the overnight trip is turning into a 3 day, two night trip.

I'm laughing inside. But I laugh when I'm nervous (like when Pam had the weight dropped on her leg...). I am also ticked that it's 9:15 p.m. and I'm getting client calls about something I feel I have been as honest as possible about. But I'm also ticked b/c I am feeling guilty. I was honest, again. I can't make a two night trip away from the baby...I can't and I'm not ready. Sorry.

I resent feeling guilty about this. I thought working at home would be better, less guilt. But I've come to realize the guilt is just different. It's guilt over too much time in the exersaucer. Too much time in the sling while I stand at the counter and pound out email responses. Guilt over saying no to clients when I used to always say yes. Guilt for not being able to answer the phone every single time. Guilt, guilt, guilt.

The bottom line is that I want to do good work and find people that I like working with. I can only get there by being honest. I gotta figure it out somehow...it's always better when I listed to the nagging tug...

1/9

i'm so tired. i haven't slept a wink. i'm so tired. my mind is on the blink. i wonder should i get up and fix myself a drink...no no no. i'm so tired. i don't know what to do. although i'm so tired my mind is set on you.

sleepy saturday night at home. baby in bed, hubs in the kitchen, me on the couch snuggling with my laptop. bliss.

2010!

I can't believe it's another year. Already. My little baby is 6 months old and it's already the New Year! Welcome!

We rung in the New Year the best way possible with close friends, yummy snacks and total relaxation (and Captain Morgan... of course!). Now it's January and I've taken down the tree and said goodbye to the last of the holiday visitors and I've even figured out how to deal with the enormous amount of toys dumped in our house over the past 3 weeks. But what I haven't figured out STILL is whether or not to set or follow or even put resolutions to paper...however loosely intentioned.

But it's nagging me for a reason - eh? Perhaps it's the same nagging that I swallow everyday b/c life is life is life is life. And each year the New Year reminds me that I CAN make some small changes and take some bigger steps towards what I'm really wanting. And I CAN also say goodbye to some habits that I'm not particularly proud of. I can't really fail IF I just sorta, kinda try...

So here is a short list. I'm thinking of it more as Raymee-improvements to be made as seen fit by Raymee at the convenience of Raymee. I freaking love myself.

But seriously...change is good.

2010

-- organize and say goodbye. less. less. less. even with baby i will try to have less.

-- take time for myself and make time for my girlfriends.

-- be more like my girlfriends (finding balance, making the best of things, believing in what they do and being really good moms and friends)

-- get serious.

-- be honest about expectations.

-- see rachel and nicki more. (dead serious)

-- get rid of some janky facebook friends (deadly serious) and twitter more.

-- go on a trip with david and mila

Not too bad...I might even have more to add!