12/28 what to do? what to do?

Whoa! I'm a lazy ass blogger and I'm super sorry about it. I've been in a holiday daze/craze and it's coming to an end and I can resume my normal level of craziness.

Birdie enjoyed her first Christmas and Hanukkah but not as much as we enjoyed watching her taking it all in. What a big girl - 6 months old now. Time flies and it is making this momma shed a tear...My friend Alison once said "everyday is precious..." in a state of total drunken sadness. But it's so true. Alison is a really smart drunk. ;-)

Well, I'm watching Birdie fight a nap on the monitor and thinking about New Year's resolutions. David asked me this morning if I was planning to make any. Same shit, different year for me but I'm thinking about them anyway...what to do, what to do, what to do?

Stay tuned...

Christmas came early for me this year. June 27 - best present ever!

12/10

I am really struggling with how to handle a client situation so I confess right here that I might decide to NOT handle it until Monday. That's right. I might choose to ignore this situation. Procrastinate if you will. I do not deserve a star today...

12/9 julia, julia, julia

I watched Julie and Julia last night. I loved it. I haven't really been able to stop thinking about the movie b/c I somehow felt connected to the story...loosely.

I felt envious of Julia Child. I felt full of admiration for her, too. Just someone in possession of herself living out her passions and being who she is. That voice, her imposing height. Everything. It probably didn't help that Meryl Streep plays her in the movie b/c I heart Meryl. And the modern-day characted, Julie. I identify with her immesely. Working in a job she doesn't love and in transition with her life she takes a chance on something she really wants to do and it's super hard and it doesn't go smoothly and it disappoints her over and over again.

That's what I haven't been able to stop thinking about. Disappointment. I'm so afraid of disappointing myself or my husband or making a mistake that I feel stalled in changing my life. I just had a baby...I just got married...David has been SO busy... All of these things are true. And they happen in the lives of every person, every where, every year.

In the movie, Julia says "no excuses, no explanations..." She means that you don't need to point out your mistakes, to just carry on as if everything is how it should be. That's true. But I think I need to take it in different ways  - don't call attention to my mistakes (because who really fucking cares?) and stop making excuses and exp(comp)laining...It's true.

12/8 maybe i'm amazed!

Today is my second wedding anniversary!

Over the weekend, the hubs and I talked about going out and enlisted my in-laws to care for baby girl while we went and enjoyed a meal together. But...all the while...neither of us could think of a single place we really wanted to go eat. Every time we discussed it, the conversation went south. David is working non-stop on a big deadline and lately, getting my work done and keeping Mila happy throughout the day is what I'm all about.

When I woke up this morning, I asked David where he wanted to eat. No eye contact, strained face. I started to secretly not want to go out. This felt forced. could I NOT want to go out and share a meal with the man I love? HOw could I not want to go out and celebrate our marriage and our little baby? But I didn't want to...and could tell her didn't either. So we scratched our plans and decided to stay home.

Over lunch, I stare at David wondering if our lives have become utterly boring and ridiculous. Was going out to dinner such a chore for us? Were we THAT tired? Despite the busy work schedules and demanding little baby - were we really unable to pull it together? Yep. I followed David into the kitchen. "Are we a terrible married couple?" But before he could answer, I noticed how truly tired he has been for the past few weeks. And I think at the same time, he noticed how tired I am. And I knew right then that we are not a terrible married couple. We are an awesome married couple.

So, Baby, in lieu of a card or a present or a even a yummy meal, please know that I'm amazed. Every single day I'm amazed by hard how you are work for our family. I'm amazed that you relentlessly support me and push me and nag me and love me into being the best Raymee I can be. I'm amazed that you still do it even when I'm not being the best Raymee I can be. I'm amazed that you gave me this beautiful little girl and it amazes me even more how you just know how to be such a good dad. And an amazing husband in so many ways that are not appropriate to mention in a public forum. But just know, from my heart to yours forever, I'm amazed.

Here's to pizza delivery, Thai pick-up or even brownies in bed.

Love and cuddles today and for the next 100 years.

12/2

Today is one of those days that tests my patience beyond words but then I look at this little face...and poof! It doesn't really matter, does it?