Lately...

I'm a horrible blogger. I readily admit it. But in my mind, I'm a brillz blogger. I always (and I mean 3-4x a day) have great ideas for quick blog items or ways to make mine more interesting, readable, etc. But I'm either working or mommying and it's quickly forgotten or logged on my smart phone voice recorder app :-)

But I do think about it.

I hate to brag but can you please look at this tiny face and perfect smile?

Oh, how my heart loves this Birdie!



When it rains it pours...doesn't it?

I have had such a good week. Kicked off with a fun wedding and being with my lady friends and started off the work week in Chicago with Nicki. It was so nice enjoy a *bit* of the Chicago warmth before our busy Monday and I relished the time on my own. I've felt like a crazed mama this week shuffling my lady here and there to make work work so I'm so glad it's Thursday and I can start to settle into the weekend with my little family three :-)

Xs and Os to you.

ps- I have SO much good news to share. When I'm given the green light prepare to hear me GUSH.

courage

I think one of the hardest parts of working for yourself is having courage. Courage to make the right decision. Courage to be discplined with billing, invoices, saving. Courage to find the right partners. But mostly, the courage to say NO.

I have a hard time with this. If you know me well, you are laughing and say "yeah, right." But it's true. My cardinal sin as a freelancer is not saying NO often enough. You see, we (the global we of freelancers and I as their spokesperson - LOL) are trapped between wanting/needing/having to make money and wanting/needing/dreaming of the right projects/clients/partners. Sometimes these things fall into place. But most of the time - we choose making $ over passion. Or we work with a partner out of necessity over desire. Such is life.

But what about the times when we know someone is a total fall apart hassle holy hot mess of a person? What then? Is no the right or wrong answer? Is sanity over-valued in my make-my-own-choices way of life?

I struggle here...



me at 33

 I'm 33 today. It's bizarre to see the number in print because I feel about 18 on the inside (and I do a great job of pretending that I don't notice that the outside is looking bounds beyond 18). But everytime the weight of these 30-something birthdays start to creep up on me I stop and think about everything I know now that I didn't have a CLUE about then and I sigh a deep sigh of gratitude.

I've got gray hairs and a toddler on my hip and I really love my life - even when I complain like an ingrate. I am grateful for the lessons I learned in my 20s and I'm even okay with how much (SO FREAKING MUCH) I miss the ease of that life. But, the lessons of the past have given me deep, meaningful friendships. The bad seeds have been weeded out and room has been made for such abundantly rewarding new friendships, too.

In my 30s I truly appreciate that marriage allows me to be creative and expressive and I'm so thankful I chose a partner who values those things as much as I do. He truly teaches me how to live responsibly and confidently. Oh, Dfab. I might be a real pain in your ass some days but you are mine all mine and we are so lucky. And don't even get me started on our little Bird b/c I'll just burst into tears. Motherhood opens you up so wide that you can almost feel your heart swelling to burst (but in the best possible way, of course).

Here are some things I've learned about me in the past 33 years OR a list of things I now accept about myself:
1. I'd rather be Mila's mom than anything else in the world.
2. I am not an optimist and I'm not a pessimist. I'm also not a realist. But for me, the glass is and will always be half full.
3. I don't always want to be in PR but I like it more and more the more and more I do it MY way.
4. I hate that I don't live in the same town as Rachel & Nicki. But the missing makes me love and not take a second for granted.
5. I am a ducks-in-a-row type girl and my friends love me anyway. (Right, Marsh?)
6. I can't blame my parents for my gray hair. I blame my 20s...and my old agency...and working for big oil and...
7. I love sci-fi. I do. I don't have a Vulcan costume or anything but I love the creation of something that doesn't exist and making it feel so real.
8. If I were 10, I'd be in love with Justin Bieber but right now I want to throat punch him.
9. I am still boy crazy. I just talk about it less. Maturity? (I love you, Bradley Cooper...)
10. I hate fixing my hair.

xoxo

2011, I'm starting to love you...

So far, I've learned so much about friendship in 2011. I have been so profoundly touched and moved and felt needed in my friendships. Perhaps that's because I so badly need my friends with every day that passes.

A few weeks ago, my friend Marge showed up at my house with the most beautiful scarf ever made. This is not an exaggeration. She not only brought her tiny precious bean to my house just because - she handed me a scarf that she bought for me b/c she loves me. My friend Sarah, sweet preggers Sarah, is so far away but manages to always call me on a day when hearing her voice is like sanity. She's smart but she's also timely and I love that about her because she called the other day when my options were narrowed down to plucking out eyelashes OR eating my weight in Cadbury. We pick up right where we left and it makes me miss her less - just a little. And don't even get me started on Christina and what went down here last night. What can I say? Christina is family, kids. Plain and simple. Every single Alper in this house is better because of Christina.

And let's not forget the daily cast of characters - you know who you are. I wouldn't make it from a.m. to p.m. without you. Every single conversation with my mothers makes me a better person and a better friend. From our early a.m. chats to our fat bastard Fridays at Chick Fila...

It's not a secret that I value my lady friends with ferocity. I worry all the time that motherhood is making me a worse friend because my time is shorter and my actions fewer and farther between. But as I watch my friends become professionals and wives and moms I am aware that we all feel this way. Our core has to shift. It's inevitable. But I'm so thankful to be reminded of the power of friendship and so lucky that it lives in my every day life.

So...with that said...2011, I sorta love you. You're really starting to grow on me.

Just a random thought...tomorrow is Friday. One week from this Friday (tomorrow) is my 33rd birthday.

I'm sure I'll have more to say about that later...
XO

I'm having a really hard time working this week...it's practically torture. My hubs and the bebe have both been illin' and it's stretched me a tad. Work has been pushed aside to the wee hours and the late nights. Se la vie...

Really just writing because tomorrow is Friday and TGIF. I love my Fridays with Birdie. It's our weekly hall pass. I love it.

Only 11 more hours...
XOXO

Fans in Training...

We took Birdie and her BFF to a concert the other night. My cool-as-shit friend Marshall is in a band called Johnny Vancouver (he is in 3 bands actually) and we took the little ladies up to Vintage Vinyl to watch. Adorableness ensued.

Lara pointed out that this wasn't even their first concert together! We're such good parents!
Training the little rockstars and fans of tomorrow....

If mama ain't happy...

It seems like when life gets busy something falls to the wayside. For me, it is ALWAYS this little blog. Despite the amount of enjoyment it gives me, I get busy and just don't sit down to blog.

So here I am. Lots on my mind lately. My growing girl, my expanding group of family and friends and work, work, work. I'm really enjoying getting back into the swing of things with work and feel great about putting Bird in nursery school a few mornings a week. This consistency is what our little family needs right now. Well, maybe just mama needs it but you know what they say about keeping mama happy...

Speaking of happy...check out this face. Who couldn't be happy with this face to kiss and cuddle?

true love is...

...a chocolate chip cookie or two or three...

i love cooking the things that the people i love love so much.

that love just makes it taste better.

yum.

super saturday chill

Today is just pure relaxation...on the menu: asian noodle bowls with lemongrass broth and pulled chicken...I can't wait to smell it!

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Kids, This week has been a lot of domestic consistency (in a good way :-) and a bit of an all around poopy pants on the social life front.

I had started a blog post the other day about being and feeling unpopular. Yep. at 32 years old it still happens. Isn't that ridiculous? But I think what I have chosen to take away from this week is that everyone feels that way and everyone probably makes someone else feel that way. I have watched it happen in the adult care communities where our grandmother's have lived in similar patterns to watching it happen with my niece Izzy and her 10 year old friends. It never stops. 

But I think the feeling of unpopularity at this stage in life has a lot to do with change. People change. Priorities change. Lifestyles change. etc. etc. etc. I'm in the family stage of my life. I don't derive enjoyment from evenings in bars spending money we don't have on drinks I don't want. I crave for the days of a great buzz and an even better show. But those days are few and far between, aren't they?

I love my friends. I cherish the time we spend together. But I've also had enough therapy to understand that in a group of friends, a large group of female friends, that people will drift in and out as life allows. I try to understand that and have the courage to let people go. There are people we are closer to, there are people who we spend time with for our kids. Each of those relationships is valid and important. But there are inevitably hurt feelings and misunderstandings and it can be widespread. Like a freaking epidemic - it spreads.

I'm heading into next week being grateful for my unpopular days and my ability to gather up the ones I love and say what I need - like it or not.

xoxo

Good Eats

Yesterday was Meatless Monday. We rocked a delicious dinner of artichoke ravioli with peas and tomatoes and a spinach salad with artichokes and goat cheese. More goat cheese, please.

Today I'm making burgers on pita with sweet potato fries. My Birdie loves sweet potato fries...But back to the burgers. I'm doing some lean ground beef with a little bbq sauce for sweetness, salt, pepper and green onions. I love how it smells on my stovetop grill. Yum...

What's your favorite burger recipe? I'd love to hear.

It should be illegal...

I have been in such a delightful mood all weekend. It should be illegal to enjoy the weekend this much. It's delightful, right?

The snow is going from abundance to drip and it is losing it's charm. We stomped up the street in our boots today, but Birdie wasn't into the slop. She'll just enjoy it from the warmth of the indoors. She's my girl.

Happy Sunday! Snack well. Snack often.

baking the day away...

I woke up to more snow so obviously I had no choice but to dig out and head to the store in search of sustenance and baking supplies. Obviously.

Todays choice - thanks to the ever faithful Joy of Cooking - oatmeal choc bars. They were easy to whip up and taste delish. Next time I am going to use salted butter but otherwise...bliss.

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What's the passion?

Through more self-indulgent thought than I care to admit to, I have come to several realizations lately. Don't even get me started on thinking that I was no longer an Aries and that I had to abandon all that the stars told me about myself to adopt a new, more shy personality like a Pisces. But I'm told this revelation is bullshit so I relaxed and focused on more important musings.

I have been watching the movie Julie and Julia lately as it's been on my free trial of Encore. And it got me thinking about being passionate. And I used to feel passionate about SO many things and it make me think that I was no longer passionate about much outside these 4 walls. How can I find my passion? Where was it hiding from me?

When I peel back the layers of my life and the roles I play, one theme is consistent: Food. Cooking food, sharing food, talking about food, eating, eating, eating. To say I love food is an understatement.

There was a time in my life I would have felt ashamed to admit my passionate feelings towards food. It wasn't so long ago. But my role as a wife and a mommy (and the ever-increasing coming-of-age saga) have allowed me to showcase my real feelings for food. I no longer care of there is more sugar in my curves. I care about feeling satisfied and about satisfying my little family.

We live in a culture of extremes and lack of balance. Could it be that admitting our true passions instead of denying them can lead us to being more healthy and satisfied. Even outside of the kitchen. Let's see.

Oh, Marge.

The other day my friend Marge...

...Yes, I have a friend named Marge. Well, her name is Margaret but I call her Marge b/c that rhymes with barge and she is a total presence and force like barge. Back in the good old days of working together at the agency, Marge wanted to have a television show called "Here is What is Wrong With You and Here is How I Will Fix It." This would have been the best show ever. I promise you. I tell you this quip about Marge so you will understand that why, when she made the upcoming statement to me a few days ago, the effect of her words was profound. 

So, she says "Ram (she calls me Ram), you have the greatest life."

Hold up. WHAT?

Do I? I stopped to think about it. I thought about it for several days because on the day that she said this to me I was cranky. I was grouchy. I was pissy with my husband, I was pissy with my friends, my career, etc etc. I've been going through something. Call it boredom. Call it been-home-too-long. Call it hormones. Call it whatever you want to. It's happening.

I've learned some things about myself in the past 18 months at home with this bebe have been a time of constant transition. I sometimes wonder if going back to work right away, out of the house, away from the bebe would have been better for me. I would have been slapped with reality. Slapped back into every day life. But I had already chosen a different path and what really happened is that I created a little family cocoon. And this time and space is really awesome and precious to me and I would not have it any other way. But this time has allowed me to really take a brain break. The first one ever in my entire life.

And I needed one. I was burned out when I started working for myself. That alone drove me to work for myself. And I liked it and I liked networking and connecting with people. It felt natural to me and I felt like I was growing in my career and doing good work - all of the things my former boss and some of my collegues told me simply would NOT happen outside of their watchful eye. But I still hadn't found my rhythm and when Bebe came into this world she was a bright, shiny, perfect reason to just let it come to a stop.

But my legs itch, friends. My brain is tingly. I WANT to work. And I WANT to be home with Bebe. I want to have time but make money and I want to have more money so we can move and have another baby and grow grow grow. So my brain and my heart both want to work. EXCELLENT.

Right?

But what the FRAK do I do?

So after much contemplation, self pity and overall gloominess I was jarred back to life by Marge. She was being sweet but she said the truest thing I most needed to hear.

I DO have a great life. I have been able to work with interesting PR clients and meet some of the coolest people in ALL of St. Louis (and the world really). I am lucky to be part of this peter pan society of creative people in St. Louis and I need to embrace it. But by my own rules and be whomever I want to be. I don't have to be rigid or traditional. I need a lesson in taking it day-by-day and really meaning it. And I just have to do the things I want to do. Cooking, writing, PR and talking about it. I do have time and I will find the support.

So thanks, Marge. Ram loves. For reals.

Sigh...

Friends,

I really wanted to send 2010 out with a bang. With a long, lingering post about what I learned last year (a lot) and what I hope to learn this year (a LOT). I wanted to say how much I love my husband. How he is the very best friend I have and I need to remember that even when the day to day makes us feel bored and cranky. I wanted to talk about how much I love being a mom and how it is so much different, better and harder than I thought it would be. I wanted to just have the time to sit down and write about it. But instead, I spent the time with the hubs and with the daughter and with my brain mulling it all over.

Then we crossed into a new year and here we are.

All of those things are still true. I can still talk about them. But the most important thing is that the end of the year taught me that we do have a chance. Every morning when we wake up we are starting over. Making it happen however we decide. My husband taught me that. Did I mention that I love him?

Happy New Year One and All! I'm wishing for growth, peace, love, kindness, insight and progress in 2011. That's not too much, is it?

XO