12/28 what to do? what to do?

Whoa! I'm a lazy ass blogger and I'm super sorry about it. I've been in a holiday daze/craze and it's coming to an end and I can resume my normal level of craziness.

Birdie enjoyed her first Christmas and Hanukkah but not as much as we enjoyed watching her taking it all in. What a big girl - 6 months old now. Time flies and it is making this momma shed a tear...My friend Alison once said "everyday is precious..." in a state of total drunken sadness. But it's so true. Alison is a really smart drunk. ;-)

Well, I'm watching Birdie fight a nap on the monitor and thinking about New Year's resolutions. David asked me this morning if I was planning to make any. Same shit, different year for me but I'm thinking about them anyway...what to do, what to do, what to do?

Stay tuned...

Christmas came early for me this year. June 27 - best present ever!

12/10

I am really struggling with how to handle a client situation so I confess right here that I might decide to NOT handle it until Monday. That's right. I might choose to ignore this situation. Procrastinate if you will. I do not deserve a star today...

12/9 julia, julia, julia

I watched Julie and Julia last night. I loved it. I haven't really been able to stop thinking about the movie b/c I somehow felt connected to the story...loosely.

I felt envious of Julia Child. I felt full of admiration for her, too. Just someone in possession of herself living out her passions and being who she is. That voice, her imposing height. Everything. It probably didn't help that Meryl Streep plays her in the movie b/c I heart Meryl. And the modern-day characted, Julie. I identify with her immesely. Working in a job she doesn't love and in transition with her life she takes a chance on something she really wants to do and it's super hard and it doesn't go smoothly and it disappoints her over and over again.

That's what I haven't been able to stop thinking about. Disappointment. I'm so afraid of disappointing myself or my husband or making a mistake that I feel stalled in changing my life. I just had a baby...I just got married...David has been SO busy... All of these things are true. And they happen in the lives of every person, every where, every year.

In the movie, Julia says "no excuses, no explanations..." She means that you don't need to point out your mistakes, to just carry on as if everything is how it should be. That's true. But I think I need to take it in different ways  - don't call attention to my mistakes (because who really fucking cares?) and stop making excuses and exp(comp)laining...It's true.

12/8 maybe i'm amazed!

Today is my second wedding anniversary!

Over the weekend, the hubs and I talked about going out and enlisted my in-laws to care for baby girl while we went and enjoyed a meal together. But...all the while...neither of us could think of a single place we really wanted to go eat. Every time we discussed it, the conversation went south. David is working non-stop on a big deadline and lately, getting my work done and keeping Mila happy throughout the day is what I'm all about.

When I woke up this morning, I asked David where he wanted to eat. No eye contact, strained face. I started to secretly not want to go out. This felt forced. could I NOT want to go out and share a meal with the man I love? HOw could I not want to go out and celebrate our marriage and our little baby? But I didn't want to...and could tell her didn't either. So we scratched our plans and decided to stay home.

Over lunch, I stare at David wondering if our lives have become utterly boring and ridiculous. Was going out to dinner such a chore for us? Were we THAT tired? Despite the busy work schedules and demanding little baby - were we really unable to pull it together? Yep. I followed David into the kitchen. "Are we a terrible married couple?" But before he could answer, I noticed how truly tired he has been for the past few weeks. And I think at the same time, he noticed how tired I am. And I knew right then that we are not a terrible married couple. We are an awesome married couple.

So, Baby, in lieu of a card or a present or a even a yummy meal, please know that I'm amazed. Every single day I'm amazed by hard how you are work for our family. I'm amazed that you relentlessly support me and push me and nag me and love me into being the best Raymee I can be. I'm amazed that you still do it even when I'm not being the best Raymee I can be. I'm amazed that you gave me this beautiful little girl and it amazes me even more how you just know how to be such a good dad. And an amazing husband in so many ways that are not appropriate to mention in a public forum. But just know, from my heart to yours forever, I'm amazed.

Here's to pizza delivery, Thai pick-up or even brownies in bed.

Love and cuddles today and for the next 100 years.

12/2

Today is one of those days that tests my patience beyond words but then I look at this little face...and poof! It doesn't really matter, does it?

11/27 p.m. Miss Malon

Rant: My choir teacher, Miss Malon, used to smile when she was saying something rude or cutting or condscending. She did it all the time and I loathed it. But I also became adept at picking it up in other people. I need to thank Miss Malon.

See, Miss Malon didn't know that she was preparing me for my adult life. A family member does this to me all the time. Smiling while eyeing my shapely (:-) figure and asking me if I have chosen an eating philosophy for my 5-month old daughter. Smiling while she tells me she'd like me to cancel my lunch plans and join her for her birthday meal since her daughter lives in Chicago and can't make it. All smiles. All the time. But where's the real? The same as with Miss Malon, why not just say what you mean to say?

Not (nice, tight smile) "Raymee, your solo was pretty sharp today." (smile widens) "Why don't you go practice where you're not bothering the rest of the group?" (smiling still?)

Not (sickly sweet smile) "I really like it when you wear your hair down." (smile tightens but enthusiasm increases) "Isn't it nice to make yourself look put together sometimes?!"

I'm onto you. Like I like to say, you can't fuck a fucker. Back it up.

11/25 lunchtime

Today, I am sitting around being super in-love with my little Milabird. Being her mommy is the best ever! Motherhood is all about perspective but the views pretty good from up here :-)

As I lay little baby down for a quick nap, I'm getting ready to head into oatmeal cookie and pecan pie land. Thanksgiving is imminent. Gobble Gobble!

xoxo

11/24 a.m.

I've been asking my friends to FaceBook me and tell me what they are thankful for. Lots of good answers - healthy families and friendship are tops, as they should be!

This year, I am wildly aware of how blessed I am and how thankful I should be - a happy, healthy, gorgeous baby girl, my loving, adorable and inspiring husband and a family that shows and gives love easily.

I am also a big believer in the power of female friendship. I love and adore my girlfriends - they are my sisters. Without them my days would be long and bland. Each of their stories is woven into my daily life and I am truly grateful. You know who you are! Your mother loves you!

11/23 p.m. being right is tight

i really love being right. today i have been right about several things and it pleases me! i got to be right in the following situations with a client, my husband, my husband again (BONUS), my cousin and in response to something the universe tossed my way.

it doesn't happen everyday, people. it's not bragging when it is a near miracle.

11/23 p.m.

I am dreading Christmas/Hanukkah shopping this year. I just want to buy everything online from Etsy. My dad and David's dad are the barriers there -not sure what I'll find on Etsy to make them happy :-) A monogrammed scarf perhaps?

But perhaps I'm dreading shopping b/c I've been reluctant to tell my family what I'd like to receive. I want to ask for gifts from the universe this year. I love new cookbooks, movies, music and nightgowns but what I'd really like is some motivation and some gumption to get my ass in gear. I'd also like to ask for a wee bit of courage to stop worrying about everyone else all the time and some short-sightedness (yes, SHORTsightedness) to keep me from looking too closely at the big picture. One foot in front of the other...today is what counts!

11/21 a.m.

i was awake this morning way before the baby. seems be a trend lately. it's funny how i dread work all week but then on saturday morning those last few, overlooked items on my to-do list come spilling out of me and i'm driven to get caught up.

more and more i want to put my pr work aside and work to build david's company/brand. every good idea i have seems better spent on david but i always worry if this little family can handle total collaboration :-)

cross your fingers as we continue along this path towards entrepreneurial domination. xoxo