got me thinking...

I've been following this blog that I LOVE - pacingthepanicroom - one of the most recent posts talks about the writer's current estrangement from his parents. I read it and reread it several times and it got me thinking about how many adult people are estranged from their parents - at least for significant portions/periods of time.

By all definitions, I am estranged from one of my parents. It pretty much sucks. But it also feels like the only way I can really live a peaceful life - and that feeling (while true and justified) brings about other feelings of guilt. What kind of murpile doesn't like their own parent? What does that mean for ME as a parent?

I mean, it's some seriously heady shit, isn't it? When I was pregnant I probably almost killed my cousin Nicki with my constant musings on the topic. What did it mean for me as a new parent? Especially as the mother to a tiny baby girl who would someday grow into a woman...and be a little bit like my peer. Looking back on MY life with her keen eye into my soul...My therapist said to me, "One of two things will likely occur when you give birth and begin to get to know your child -- 1) you will feel a sense of urgency or desire to connect with your parent or 2) you will feel even more at peace with where you are in the relationship cycle b/c the past will be even more confusing to you.

I'm way into #2. I simply don't get it and I simply don't know how to fix it. So I do nothing. I'm pretty content with nothing until the guilt starts to creep up. And it always does.

XO