1/13

You know, sometimes sticking up for myself sucks. But tonight I did and I'm pretty I'll sleep better but that nagging, tugging feeling will stick around for a few days. Blah.

It's hard being a mom and working and trying to meet the demands and do my job when, if I'm being honest, I only want to be with the baby. When I got pregnant I knew that certain things about work were going to change and I told myself that I would take things day by day and make it work to keep Mila at home. I've had to change my approach to business - conference calls in the morning and during naps, coffee dates instead of lunch, not apologizing for taking Friday off and not beating myself up when I work a little bit on Friday morning.

So, recently a client asked me to go on an overnight trip for a big planning meeting on the east coast. I immediately felt a sense of panic. I have never left my daughter for more than 6 hours. I'm still breastfeeding every 2 hours and my mind was racing of all the reasons it wouldn't work. But the reality of the situation was that I simply am not ready to leave her yet. It might not be rational, but it's honest. And the reason that I work here at home is to give myself the freedom to make these choices and take this time with Mila. You can imagine my surprise when said client calls me back after several conversations in which we determine (each time) that I will not be going on the trip to revisit the topic. Not only does he call me to revisit the topic, now the overnight trip is turning into a 3 day, two night trip.

I'm laughing inside. But I laugh when I'm nervous (like when Pam had the weight dropped on her leg...). I am also ticked that it's 9:15 p.m. and I'm getting client calls about something I feel I have been as honest as possible about. But I'm also ticked b/c I am feeling guilty. I was honest, again. I can't make a two night trip away from the baby...I can't and I'm not ready. Sorry.

I resent feeling guilty about this. I thought working at home would be better, less guilt. But I've come to realize the guilt is just different. It's guilt over too much time in the exersaucer. Too much time in the sling while I stand at the counter and pound out email responses. Guilt over saying no to clients when I used to always say yes. Guilt for not being able to answer the phone every single time. Guilt, guilt, guilt.

The bottom line is that I want to do good work and find people that I like working with. I can only get there by being honest. I gotta figure it out somehow...it's always better when I listed to the nagging tug...