ucky

my petite darling isn't feeling her best. she's got snot dripping out of her nose like a faucet. she wipes her face and repeats "ucky" over and over again. i feel ya sister.

having a tiny bebe who isn't feeling well takes a toll - eventually. after about 48 hours toddling around the house whining and clinging and sniffling and sneezing we are both starting to lose it. my sympathy and my worry are my constant companions but they have abandoned me today, too. but no one likes tiny humans to rub yogurt on their walls and mirrors. it's not just a raymee thing.

today's ucky. word.

silly pants



We are going through a very silly phase right now. I couldn't love it more if I tried. When I was pregnant I would rub my belly and wish for some serious silliness. She's a silly pants genie in a bottle...

exquisite

There is really nothing in this life, in my experience, that compares to the exquisteness of my baby sleeping. All snuggly in her crib with a warm face and warm hands and feet. I can't resist touching her soft soft soft hair and fight the urge (every single night for nearly 15 months) to pick her up and craddle her (while she'll still let me) and whisper into her ear "I love you. I love you. I love you. With my whole heart."

Oh, Milabird. You make my heart so happy.

backyard bliss

birdie and i just spend a few hours roaming around the backyard. we covered the hilly part with the overgrowth and wood pile. we wandered over to the brick patio and examined the moss growing through the cracks. we agree it's pretty cool and we shouldn't get rid of the moss.

we walked down the hill by the broken grill and then over to the big maple tree in the center of the yard. we found a convenient bench on the backside of the tree and we chilled there for a few seconds. we spotted the sandbox and the water table and we pushed them on their sides and dumped out all of the toys. we tried to pick them up, but we got distracted by the deflated baby pool. after we dumped handfuls of leaves into the baby pool pile, we laid out our bright blue blanket and sky gazed.

it's such a beautiful day. it's birdie's naptime foreplay. energy burns out into a short slumber. laying next to my little girl on this bright blue blanket under this bright blue sky is bliss.

renewed perspective

I woke up with a bit of renewed perspective today. I woke up (way too freaking early again) thinking about what I HAD to do today. The list is pretty small which should have felt like a YAY but instead it made me feel like a loser.

How am I accounting for the hours in my day? Before the baby I kept busy with clients, lunches, errands, chores, friends and nights out followed by days spent recovering. Now, I spend my days chasing a tiny human, keeping up with house work, running to the store to replenish our milk and banana supply.

I hear myself saying these kinds of things all the time. But the simple fact is, I DO have some free time. I just don't use it wisely. I use it play Facebook, which - let's face it - is NOT improving my life in any real way. I also check my email. Obsessively. I developed my email habit back in 2000 and I doubt I will ever change. My old job made me email paranoid and so I check my email constantly. Blech.

But while I'm wrapped up in all these other tasks I have these ideas floating through my head. Characters, story lines, topics and thoughts just waiting to be written down and flushed out and removed from my brain. So I'm adopting a renewed perspective on my life. It's not about time, it's how I'm spending my time. I'm gonna spend more wisely...or at least try to.

Realization is half the journey, eh?

slow night, so long

i'm rattling around the basement tonight, cleaning up the mess of taxes, billing, packaging and all around insanity we've been conducting in this tiny house lately. out of this insanity has come significant clarity on many things so for this mess i am grateful right now. i'm also grateful to my tiny girl who is sleeping like a champ and giving me a few moments to myself tonight.

2/2 neighborhood watch

In the morning I like to open the front window and curl into a tiny corner of the couch. It's quiet and often still dark...sadly. But it's become my routine to nurse the baby and relax into the morning.

I've become a bit of a neighborhood watch. My nature makes me nosey...the lady across the street has a strange, obsessive and new relationship with her dog. She marches around in sweatpants and strange wide-brimmed hats...up and down the sidewalks. The elderly couple next door are predictable beyond belief. Constantly backing one of their two maroon cars up and down the drive. Pulling into our driveway, parking on the street, moving the other car, back into the driveway, the husband finally gets into the running car - the wife yelling at hime all along the way - in between every step of this activity.

The younger couple across the street are hilarious. He goes to school for his MBA and chills all day (my kinda guy!!) and I'm not sure what she does but I imagine she's a bank teller or something. Anyway, she acts like every morning is antartic and starts warming her car up at least 30 mins before she leaves for work. The other day it sat there warming up for 42 minutes. (Yes, I watched the clock b/c I'm eco-concious and trying to be quietly entertained while my baby grants me 30 minutes of quiet while she cat naps...see: nosey)

1/13

You know, sometimes sticking up for myself sucks. But tonight I did and I'm pretty I'll sleep better but that nagging, tugging feeling will stick around for a few days. Blah.

It's hard being a mom and working and trying to meet the demands and do my job when, if I'm being honest, I only want to be with the baby. When I got pregnant I knew that certain things about work were going to change and I told myself that I would take things day by day and make it work to keep Mila at home. I've had to change my approach to business - conference calls in the morning and during naps, coffee dates instead of lunch, not apologizing for taking Friday off and not beating myself up when I work a little bit on Friday morning.

So, recently a client asked me to go on an overnight trip for a big planning meeting on the east coast. I immediately felt a sense of panic. I have never left my daughter for more than 6 hours. I'm still breastfeeding every 2 hours and my mind was racing of all the reasons it wouldn't work. But the reality of the situation was that I simply am not ready to leave her yet. It might not be rational, but it's honest. And the reason that I work here at home is to give myself the freedom to make these choices and take this time with Mila. You can imagine my surprise when said client calls me back after several conversations in which we determine (each time) that I will not be going on the trip to revisit the topic. Not only does he call me to revisit the topic, now the overnight trip is turning into a 3 day, two night trip.

I'm laughing inside. But I laugh when I'm nervous (like when Pam had the weight dropped on her leg...). I am also ticked that it's 9:15 p.m. and I'm getting client calls about something I feel I have been as honest as possible about. But I'm also ticked b/c I am feeling guilty. I was honest, again. I can't make a two night trip away from the baby...I can't and I'm not ready. Sorry.

I resent feeling guilty about this. I thought working at home would be better, less guilt. But I've come to realize the guilt is just different. It's guilt over too much time in the exersaucer. Too much time in the sling while I stand at the counter and pound out email responses. Guilt over saying no to clients when I used to always say yes. Guilt for not being able to answer the phone every single time. Guilt, guilt, guilt.

The bottom line is that I want to do good work and find people that I like working with. I can only get there by being honest. I gotta figure it out somehow...it's always better when I listed to the nagging tug...

1/9

i'm so tired. i haven't slept a wink. i'm so tired. my mind is on the blink. i wonder should i get up and fix myself a drink...no no no. i'm so tired. i don't know what to do. although i'm so tired my mind is set on you.

sleepy saturday night at home. baby in bed, hubs in the kitchen, me on the couch snuggling with my laptop. bliss.

2010!

I can't believe it's another year. Already. My little baby is 6 months old and it's already the New Year! Welcome!

We rung in the New Year the best way possible with close friends, yummy snacks and total relaxation (and Captain Morgan... of course!). Now it's January and I've taken down the tree and said goodbye to the last of the holiday visitors and I've even figured out how to deal with the enormous amount of toys dumped in our house over the past 3 weeks. But what I haven't figured out STILL is whether or not to set or follow or even put resolutions to paper...however loosely intentioned.

But it's nagging me for a reason - eh? Perhaps it's the same nagging that I swallow everyday b/c life is life is life is life. And each year the New Year reminds me that I CAN make some small changes and take some bigger steps towards what I'm really wanting. And I CAN also say goodbye to some habits that I'm not particularly proud of. I can't really fail IF I just sorta, kinda try...

So here is a short list. I'm thinking of it more as Raymee-improvements to be made as seen fit by Raymee at the convenience of Raymee. I freaking love myself.

But seriously...change is good.

2010

-- organize and say goodbye. less. less. less. even with baby i will try to have less.

-- take time for myself and make time for my girlfriends.

-- be more like my girlfriends (finding balance, making the best of things, believing in what they do and being really good moms and friends)

-- get serious.

-- be honest about expectations.

-- see rachel and nicki more. (dead serious)

-- get rid of some janky facebook friends (deadly serious) and twitter more.

-- go on a trip with david and mila

Not too bad...I might even have more to add!

12/28 what to do? what to do?

Whoa! I'm a lazy ass blogger and I'm super sorry about it. I've been in a holiday daze/craze and it's coming to an end and I can resume my normal level of craziness.

Birdie enjoyed her first Christmas and Hanukkah but not as much as we enjoyed watching her taking it all in. What a big girl - 6 months old now. Time flies and it is making this momma shed a tear...My friend Alison once said "everyday is precious..." in a state of total drunken sadness. But it's so true. Alison is a really smart drunk. ;-)

Well, I'm watching Birdie fight a nap on the monitor and thinking about New Year's resolutions. David asked me this morning if I was planning to make any. Same shit, different year for me but I'm thinking about them anyway...what to do, what to do, what to do?

Stay tuned...

Christmas came early for me this year. June 27 - best present ever!

12/10

I am really struggling with how to handle a client situation so I confess right here that I might decide to NOT handle it until Monday. That's right. I might choose to ignore this situation. Procrastinate if you will. I do not deserve a star today...

12/9 julia, julia, julia

I watched Julie and Julia last night. I loved it. I haven't really been able to stop thinking about the movie b/c I somehow felt connected to the story...loosely.

I felt envious of Julia Child. I felt full of admiration for her, too. Just someone in possession of herself living out her passions and being who she is. That voice, her imposing height. Everything. It probably didn't help that Meryl Streep plays her in the movie b/c I heart Meryl. And the modern-day characted, Julie. I identify with her immesely. Working in a job she doesn't love and in transition with her life she takes a chance on something she really wants to do and it's super hard and it doesn't go smoothly and it disappoints her over and over again.

That's what I haven't been able to stop thinking about. Disappointment. I'm so afraid of disappointing myself or my husband or making a mistake that I feel stalled in changing my life. I just had a baby...I just got married...David has been SO busy... All of these things are true. And they happen in the lives of every person, every where, every year.

In the movie, Julia says "no excuses, no explanations..." She means that you don't need to point out your mistakes, to just carry on as if everything is how it should be. That's true. But I think I need to take it in different ways  - don't call attention to my mistakes (because who really fucking cares?) and stop making excuses and exp(comp)laining...It's true.

12/8 maybe i'm amazed!

Today is my second wedding anniversary!

Over the weekend, the hubs and I talked about going out and enlisted my in-laws to care for baby girl while we went and enjoyed a meal together. But...all the while...neither of us could think of a single place we really wanted to go eat. Every time we discussed it, the conversation went south. David is working non-stop on a big deadline and lately, getting my work done and keeping Mila happy throughout the day is what I'm all about.

When I woke up this morning, I asked David where he wanted to eat. No eye contact, strained face. I started to secretly not want to go out. This felt forced. could I NOT want to go out and share a meal with the man I love? HOw could I not want to go out and celebrate our marriage and our little baby? But I didn't want to...and could tell her didn't either. So we scratched our plans and decided to stay home.

Over lunch, I stare at David wondering if our lives have become utterly boring and ridiculous. Was going out to dinner such a chore for us? Were we THAT tired? Despite the busy work schedules and demanding little baby - were we really unable to pull it together? Yep. I followed David into the kitchen. "Are we a terrible married couple?" But before he could answer, I noticed how truly tired he has been for the past few weeks. And I think at the same time, he noticed how tired I am. And I knew right then that we are not a terrible married couple. We are an awesome married couple.

So, Baby, in lieu of a card or a present or a even a yummy meal, please know that I'm amazed. Every single day I'm amazed by hard how you are work for our family. I'm amazed that you relentlessly support me and push me and nag me and love me into being the best Raymee I can be. I'm amazed that you still do it even when I'm not being the best Raymee I can be. I'm amazed that you gave me this beautiful little girl and it amazes me even more how you just know how to be such a good dad. And an amazing husband in so many ways that are not appropriate to mention in a public forum. But just know, from my heart to yours forever, I'm amazed.

Here's to pizza delivery, Thai pick-up or even brownies in bed.

Love and cuddles today and for the next 100 years.

12/2

Today is one of those days that tests my patience beyond words but then I look at this little face...and poof! It doesn't really matter, does it?

11/27 p.m. Miss Malon

Rant: My choir teacher, Miss Malon, used to smile when she was saying something rude or cutting or condscending. She did it all the time and I loathed it. But I also became adept at picking it up in other people. I need to thank Miss Malon.

See, Miss Malon didn't know that she was preparing me for my adult life. A family member does this to me all the time. Smiling while eyeing my shapely (:-) figure and asking me if I have chosen an eating philosophy for my 5-month old daughter. Smiling while she tells me she'd like me to cancel my lunch plans and join her for her birthday meal since her daughter lives in Chicago and can't make it. All smiles. All the time. But where's the real? The same as with Miss Malon, why not just say what you mean to say?

Not (nice, tight smile) "Raymee, your solo was pretty sharp today." (smile widens) "Why don't you go practice where you're not bothering the rest of the group?" (smiling still?)

Not (sickly sweet smile) "I really like it when you wear your hair down." (smile tightens but enthusiasm increases) "Isn't it nice to make yourself look put together sometimes?!"

I'm onto you. Like I like to say, you can't fuck a fucker. Back it up.

11/25 lunchtime

Today, I am sitting around being super in-love with my little Milabird. Being her mommy is the best ever! Motherhood is all about perspective but the views pretty good from up here :-)

As I lay little baby down for a quick nap, I'm getting ready to head into oatmeal cookie and pecan pie land. Thanksgiving is imminent. Gobble Gobble!

xoxo

11/24 a.m.

I've been asking my friends to FaceBook me and tell me what they are thankful for. Lots of good answers - healthy families and friendship are tops, as they should be!

This year, I am wildly aware of how blessed I am and how thankful I should be - a happy, healthy, gorgeous baby girl, my loving, adorable and inspiring husband and a family that shows and gives love easily.

I am also a big believer in the power of female friendship. I love and adore my girlfriends - they are my sisters. Without them my days would be long and bland. Each of their stories is woven into my daily life and I am truly grateful. You know who you are! Your mother loves you!

11/23 p.m. being right is tight

i really love being right. today i have been right about several things and it pleases me! i got to be right in the following situations with a client, my husband, my husband again (BONUS), my cousin and in response to something the universe tossed my way.

it doesn't happen everyday, people. it's not bragging when it is a near miracle.

11/23 p.m.

I am dreading Christmas/Hanukkah shopping this year. I just want to buy everything online from Etsy. My dad and David's dad are the barriers there -not sure what I'll find on Etsy to make them happy :-) A monogrammed scarf perhaps?

But perhaps I'm dreading shopping b/c I've been reluctant to tell my family what I'd like to receive. I want to ask for gifts from the universe this year. I love new cookbooks, movies, music and nightgowns but what I'd really like is some motivation and some gumption to get my ass in gear. I'd also like to ask for a wee bit of courage to stop worrying about everyone else all the time and some short-sightedness (yes, SHORTsightedness) to keep me from looking too closely at the big picture. One foot in front of the other...today is what counts!