Raymee Writes

Lately...

2011-06-06T14:04:00.000-05:00

I'm a horrible blogger. I readily admit it. But in my mind, I'm a brillz blogger. I always (and I mean 3-4x a day) have great ideas for quick blog items or ways to make mine more interesting, readable, etc. But I'm either working or mommying and it's quickly forgotten or logged on my smart phone voice recorder app :-)

But I do think about it.

2011-05-04T14:06:00.000-05:00

I hate to brag but can you please look at this tiny face and perfect smile?

Oh, how my heart loves this Birdie!

2011-04-14T10:33:00.000-05:00

When it rains it pours...doesn't it?

I have had such a good week. Kicked off with a fun wedding and being with my lady friends and started off the work week in Chicago with Nicki. It was so nice enjoy a *bit* of the Chicago warmth before our busy Monday and I relished the time on my own. I've felt like a crazed mama this week shuffling my lady here and there to make work work so I'm so glad it's Thursday and I can start to settle into the weekend with my little family three :-)

Xs and Os to you.

ps- I have SO much good news to share. When I'm given the green light prepare to hear me GUSH.

courage

2011-04-05T15:45:00.000-05:00

I think one of the hardest parts of working for yourself is having courage. Courage to make the right decision. Courage to be discplined with billing, invoices, saving. Courage to find the right partners. But mostly, the courage to say NO.

I have a hard time with this. If you know me well, you are laughing and say "yeah, right." But it's true. My cardinal sin as a freelancer is not saying NO often enough. You see, we (the global we of freelancers and I as their spokesperson - LOL) are trapped between wanting/needing/having to make money and wanting/needing/dreaming of the right projects/clients/partners. Sometimes these things fall into place. But most of the time - we choose making $ over passion. Or we work with a partner out of necessity over desire. Such is life.

But what about the times when we know someone is a total fall apart hassle holy hot mess of a person? What then? Is no the right or wrong answer? Is sanity over-valued in my make-my-own-choices way of life?

I struggle here...

2011-04-01T11:49:00.001-05:00

me at 33

I'm 33 today. It's bizarre to see the number in print because I feel about 18 on the inside (and I do a great job of pretending that I don't notice that the outside is looking bounds beyond 18). But everytime the weight of these 30-something birthdays start to creep up on me I stop and think about everything I know now that I didn't have a CLUE about then and I sigh a deep sigh of gratitude.

I've got gray hairs and a toddler on my hip and I really love my life - even when I complain like an ingrate. I am grateful for the lessons I learned in my 20s and I'm even okay with how much (SO FREAKING MUCH) I miss the ease of that life. But, the lessons of the past have given me deep, meaningful friendships. The bad seeds have been weeded out and room has been made for such abundantly rewarding new friendships, too.

In my 30s I truly appreciate that marriage allows me to be creative and expressive and I'm so thankful I chose a partner who values those things as much as I do. He truly teaches me how to live responsibly and confidently. Oh, Dfab. I might be a real pain in your ass some days but you are mine all mine and we are so lucky. And don't even get me started on our little Bird b/c I'll just burst into tears. Motherhood opens you up so wide that you can almost feel your heart swelling to burst (but in the best possible way, of course).

Here are some things I've learned about me in the past 33 years OR a list of things I now accept about myself:
1. I'd rather be Mila's mom than anything else in the world.
2. I am not an optimist and I'm not a pessimist. I'm also not a realist. But for me, the glass is and will always be half full.
3. I don't always want to be in PR but I like it more and more the more and more I do it MY way.
4. I hate that I don't live in the same town as Rachel & Nicki. But the missing makes me love and not take a second for granted.
5. I am a ducks-in-a-row type girl and my friends love me anyway. (Right, Marsh?)
6. I can't blame my parents for my gray hair. I blame my 20s...and my old agency...and working for big oil and...
7. I love sci-fi. I do. I don't have a Vulcan costume or anything but I love the creation of something that doesn't exist and making it feel so real.
8. If I were 10, I'd be in love with Justin Bieber but right now I want to throat punch him.
9. I am still boy crazy. I just talk about it less. Maturity? (I love you, Bradley Cooper...)
10. I hate fixing my hair.

xoxo

2011, I'm starting to love you...

2011-03-25T20:01:00.001-05:00

So far, I've learned so much about friendship in 2011. I have been so profoundly touched and moved and felt needed in my friendships. Perhaps that's because I so badly need my friends with every day that passes.

A few weeks ago, my friend Marge showed up at my house with the most beautiful scarf ever made. This is not an exaggeration. She not only brought her tiny precious bean to my house just because - she handed me a scarf that she bought for me b/c she loves me. My friend Sarah, sweet preggers Sarah, is so far away but manages to always call me on a day when hearing her voice is like sanity. She's smart but she's also timely and I love that about her because she called the other day when my options were narrowed down to plucking out eyelashes OR eating my weight in Cadbury. We pick up right where we left and it makes me miss her less - just a little. And don't even get me started on Christina and what went down here last night. What can I say? Christina is family, kids. Plain and simple. Every single Alper in this house is better because of Christina.

And let's not forget the daily cast of characters - you know who you are. I wouldn't make it from a.m. to p.m. without you. Every single conversation with my mothers makes me a better person and a better friend. From our early a.m. chats to our fat bastard Fridays at Chick Fila...

It's not a secret that I value my lady friends with ferocity. I worry all the time that motherhood is making me a worse friend because my time is shorter and my actions fewer and farther between. But as I watch my friends become professionals and wives and moms I am aware that we all feel this way. Our core has to shift. It's inevitable. But I'm so thankful to be reminded of the power of friendship and so lucky that it lives in my every day life.

So...with that said...2011, I sorta love you. You're really starting to grow on me.

2011-03-24T15:40:00.001-05:00

Just a random thought...tomorrow is Friday. One week from this Friday (tomorrow) is my 33rd birthday.

I'm sure I'll have more to say about that later...
XO

2011-03-24T12:41:00.000-05:00

I'm having a really hard time working this week...it's practically torture. My hubs and the bebe have both been illin' and it's stretched me a tad. Work has been pushed aside to the wee hours and the late nights. Se la vie...

Really just writing because tomorrow is Friday and TGIF. I love my Fridays with Birdie. It's our weekly hall pass. I love it.

Only 11 more hours...
XOXO

Fans in Training...

2011-03-22T16:16:00.000-05:00

We took Birdie and her BFF to a concert the other night. My cool-as-shit friend Marshall is in a band called Johnny Vancouver (he is in 3 bands actually) and we took the little ladies up to Vintage Vinyl to watch. Adorableness ensued.

Lara pointed out that this wasn't even their first concert together! We're such good parents!
Training the little rockstars and fans of tomorrow....

If mama ain't happy...

2011-03-22T16:11:00.000-05:00

It seems like when life gets busy something falls to the wayside. For me, it is ALWAYS this little blog. Despite the amount of enjoyment it gives me, I get busy and just don't sit down to blog.

So here I am. Lots on my mind lately. My growing girl, my expanding group of family and friends and work, work, work. I'm really enjoying getting back into the swing of things with work and feel great about putting Bird in nursery school a few mornings a week. This consistency is what our little family needs right now. Well, maybe just mama needs it but you know what they say about keeping mama happy...

Speaking of happy...check out this face. Who couldn't be happy with this face to kiss and cuddle?

true love is...

2011-02-13T19:19:00.000-06:00

...a chocolate chip cookie or two or three...

i love cooking the things that the people i love love so much.

that love just makes it taste better.

yum.

super saturday chill

2011-02-12T16:44:00.001-06:00

Today is just pure relaxation...on the menu: asian noodle bowls with lemongrass broth and pulled chicken...I can't wait to smell it!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.6

2011-02-11T09:04:00.000-06:00

Kids, This week has been a lot of domestic consistency (in a good way :-) and a bit of an all around poopy pants on the social life front.

I had started a blog post the other day about being and feeling unpopular. Yep. at 32 years old it still happens. Isn't that ridiculous? But I think what I have chosen to take away from this week is that everyone feels that way and everyone probably makes someone else feel that way. I have watched it happen in the adult care communities where our grandmother's have lived in similar patterns to watching it happen with my niece Izzy and her 10 year old friends. It never stops.

But I think the feeling of unpopularity at this stage in life has a lot to do with change. People change. Priorities change. Lifestyles change. etc. etc. etc. I'm in the family stage of my life. I don't derive enjoyment from evenings in bars spending money we don't have on drinks I don't want. I crave for the days of a great buzz and an even better show. But those days are few and far between, aren't they?

I love my friends. I cherish the time we spend together. But I've also had enough therapy to understand that in a group of friends, a large group of female friends, that people will drift in and out as life allows. I try to understand that and have the courage to let people go. There are people we are closer to, there are people who we spend time with for our kids. Each of those relationships is valid and important. But there are inevitably hurt feelings and misunderstandings and it can be widespread. Like a freaking epidemic - it spreads.

I'm heading into next week being grateful for my unpopular days and my ability to gather up the ones I love and say what I need - like it or not.

xoxo

Good Eats

2011-02-08T16:00:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was Meatless Monday. We rocked a delicious dinner of artichoke ravioli with peas and tomatoes and a spinach salad with artichokes and goat cheese. More goat cheese, please.

Today I'm making burgers on pita with sweet potato fries. My Birdie loves sweet potato fries...But back to the burgers. I'm doing some lean ground beef with a little bbq sauce for sweetness, salt, pepper and green onions. I love how it smells on my stovetop grill. Yum...

What's your favorite burger recipe? I'd love to hear.

It should be illegal...

2011-02-06T14:43:00.001-06:00

I have been in such a delightful mood all weekend. It should be illegal to enjoy the weekend this much. It's delightful, right?

The snow is going from abundance to drip and it is losing it's charm. We stomped up the street in our boots today, but Birdie wasn't into the slop. She'll just enjoy it from the warmth of the indoors. She's my girl.

Happy Sunday! Snack well. Snack often.

baking the day away...

2011-02-05T21:37:00.001-06:00

I woke up to more snow so obviously I had no choice but to dig out and head to the store in search of sustenance and baking supplies. Obviously.

Todays choice - thanks to the ever faithful Joy of Cooking - oatmeal choc bars. They were easy to whip up and taste delish. Next time I am going to use salted butter but otherwise...bliss.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.6

What's the passion?

2011-01-17T12:26:00.000-06:00

Through more self-indulgent thought than I care to admit to, I have come to several realizations lately. Don't even get me started on thinking that I was no longer an Aries and that I had to abandon all that the stars told me about myself to adopt a new, more shy personality like a Pisces. But I'm told this revelation is bullshit so I relaxed and focused on more important musings.

I have been watching the movie Julie and Julia lately as it's been on my free trial of Encore. And it got me thinking about being passionate. And I used to feel passionate about SO many things and it make me think that I was no longer passionate about much outside these 4 walls. How can I find my passion? Where was it hiding from me?

When I peel back the layers of my life and the roles I play, one theme is consistent: Food. Cooking food, sharing food, talking about food, eating, eating, eating. To say I love food is an understatement.

There was a time in my life I would have felt ashamed to admit my passionate feelings towards food. It wasn't so long ago. But my role as a wife and a mommy (and the ever-increasing coming-of-age saga) have allowed me to showcase my real feelings for food. I no longer care of there is more sugar in my curves. I care about feeling satisfied and about satisfying my little family.

We live in a culture of extremes and lack of balance. Could it be that admitting our true passions instead of denying them can lead us to being more healthy and satisfied. Even outside of the kitchen. Let's see.

Oh, Marge.

2011-01-13T13:39:00.000-06:00

The other day my friend Marge...

...Yes, I have a friend named Marge. Well, her name is Margaret but I call her Marge b/c that rhymes with barge and she is a total presence and force like barge. Back in the good old days of working together at the agency, Marge wanted to have a television show called "Here is What is Wrong With You and Here is How I Will Fix It." This would have been the best show ever. I promise you. I tell you this quip about Marge so you will understand that why, when she made the upcoming statement to me a few days ago, the effect of her words was profound.

So, she says "Ram (she calls me Ram), you have the greatest life."

Hold up. WHAT?

Do I? I stopped to think about it. I thought about it for several days because on the day that she said this to me I was cranky. I was grouchy. I was pissy with my husband, I was pissy with my friends, my career, etc etc. I've been going through something. Call it boredom. Call it been-home-too-long. Call it hormones. Call it whatever you want to. It's happening.

I've learned some things about myself in the past 18 months at home with this bebe have been a time of constant transition. I sometimes wonder if going back to work right away, out of the house, away from the bebe would have been better for me. I would have been slapped with reality. Slapped back into every day life. But I had already chosen a different path and what really happened is that I created a little family cocoon. And this time and space is really awesome and precious to me and I would not have it any other way. But this time has allowed me to really take a brain break. The first one ever in my entire life.

And I needed one. I was burned out when I started working for myself. That alone drove me to work for myself. And I liked it and I liked networking and connecting with people. It felt natural to me and I felt like I was growing in my career and doing good work - all of the things my former boss and some of my collegues told me simply would NOT happen outside of their watchful eye. But I still hadn't found my rhythm and when Bebe came into this world she was a bright, shiny, perfect reason to just let it come to a stop.

But my legs itch, friends. My brain is tingly. I WANT to work. And I WANT to be home with Bebe. I want to have time but make money and I want to have more money so we can move and have another baby and grow grow grow. So my brain and my heart both want to work. EXCELLENT.

Right?

But what the FRAK do I do?

So after much contemplation, self pity and overall gloominess I was jarred back to life by Marge. She was being sweet but she said the truest thing I most needed to hear.

I DO have a great life. I have been able to work with interesting PR clients and meet some of the coolest people in ALL of St. Louis (and the world really). I am lucky to be part of this peter pan society of creative people in St. Louis and I need to embrace it. But by my own rules and be whomever I want to be. I don't have to be rigid or traditional. I need a lesson in taking it day-by-day and really meaning it. And I just have to do the things I want to do. Cooking, writing, PR and talking about it. I do have time and I will find the support.

So thanks, Marge. Ram loves. For reals.

Sigh...

2011-01-11T09:48:00.000-06:00

Friends,

I really wanted to send 2010 out with a bang. With a long, lingering post about what I learned last year (a lot) and what I hope to learn this year (a LOT). I wanted to say how much I love my husband. How he is the very best friend I have and I need to remember that even when the day to day makes us feel bored and cranky. I wanted to talk about how much I love being a mom and how it is so much different, better and harder than I thought it would be. I wanted to just have the time to sit down and write about it. But instead, I spent the time with the hubs and with the daughter and with my brain mulling it all over.

Then we crossed into a new year and here we are.

All of those things are still true. I can still talk about them. But the most important thing is that the end of the year taught me that we do have a chance. Every morning when we wake up we are starting over. Making it happen however we decide. My husband taught me that. Did I mention that I love him?

Happy New Year One and All! I'm wishing for growth, peace, love, kindness, insight and progress in 2011. That's not too much, is it?

ps...

2010-11-27T13:27:00.000-06:00

...the Bird is 17 months old today. Just when I think it can't get any better - it does!

With my whole heart, Birdie...I love to watch you grow!

Saturday, November 27

2010-11-27T13:26:00.000-06:00

I've missed a few days b/c of the holiday. Lo siento! But I have decided to not go back and just move forward. So...

Today I am thankful for the comfort of this house. We have truly made this cozy brick bungalow into a nest for a family. A small, happy, thriving family. How awesome is that?

When I first quit my agency job to work at home and maintain my own client load. I worried that I'd be bored. That I'd be stir crazy. That I'd want out of these four walls. And yes, I did feel those things. Everyone does. But the most overwhelming thing I felt was content. Happy to wake up in my jammies, make the coffee or brew the tea and start a completely different routine. No rushing out the door. No anxiety over traffic, early meetings, co-worker classhes...I started to settle into a new version of myself that I liked a lot better.

When we brought Mila home, I started another new routine - constantly reorganzing every single item in every single room to make room for our growing collection of babyness. It's awesome. I'm driven to live more simply to make room for the most important person in this humble abode

I know we will have to move in the near future. I know our family can't really grow much more in this house.
But for now, I love to come home to this house. We got engaged in this house and brought our bebe here on her third day of life. We are growing our businesses out of this house. We continue to make this house work for us and it continues to make us feel safe and content and loved and sane.

Want & Love

2010-11-23T15:22:00.000-06:00

Bobbi Brown Holiday Glamour Set Nordstrom.com

Tuesday, November 23

2010-11-23T14:56:00.001-06:00

So, I've been remiss in my mission to blog daily. But we've been a bit in upheaval so with sincere apologies - here is a quick list of my thankfulness and appreciation for the past 6 days (November 17 - November 22):

I am thankful for the kindness of my husband, strength of family, beautiful memories, cooking for comfort, really good friends and a future to look forward to.

And...finally...

Today, I am grateful for my child's smile. I watched her from across the room last night. She was playing with her cousins. Entertaining them with her toddler antics and Milabird sass. So much energy, so many smiles. Finally, my eyes caught her attention and I was flashed the most beautiful, amazing, heart-melting smile...I am still warm and fuzzy from the love in that grin. There is pure joy in the innocence and fun of childsplay. I'm so lucky to be around.

Tuesday, November 16

2010-11-16T10:14:00.001-06:00

More and more I notice the amount of non-listening that goes on in life. I know that do it, too. But I want to acknowledge it in an effort to improve. To that end, I am grateful to have good listeners in my life.

Thanks to my ladies for listening to me. I will return the favor with open ears.

XO

dress me up

2010-11-15T19:39:00.000-06:00

I am a dress girl. It's so ladylike and fun to wear a dress and, these days, I almost refuse dress pants or a suit and always go for a girly dress. I want to slip into one of these and have a delicious date with Dfab....

want want want

2010-11-15T15:00:00.000-06:00

Do you ever feel like you are losing your inner-youness? I have felt mine teetering lately. But I'm gonna rally and I have a suspicion that these shoes will help. Which would you choose? What screams "Raymee"?

Classic Cord Tom OR Sparkle Tom?

Want Want Want. XO

thanksgiving fever starts early...

2010-11-15T08:53:00.002-06:00

this bird is ready to get her gobble on...

...just a few more days, sweetie!

Monday, November 15

2010-11-15T05:47:00.003-06:00

Today, I am thankful for the feeling of anticipation and all that it holds. And that is all.

Sunday, November 14

2010-11-14T12:56:00.000-06:00

Speaking of my dad...Happy Birthday, Big Bg Daddy Waddy! Today is your dad's 58th birthday!

I am so thankful to have such a good dad. Not only have I felt his love and protection every day of my life without fail, now that I am grown woman I also really like him. He has the best laugh on the planet. It borders on hilarious hysteria. It's fantastic.

I love talking to him about music and am always surprised by what he's into and how he stretches himself to like so many different kinds of music. I can remember waking up on the weekend to my dad lying on the floor in the den listening to his collection - the house silent around him, his eyes closed. It always looked like bliss to me. I like to remember him like that and stop in the middle of the day to take in my favorite music - it's like a reset button.

Now that I am the mother to a little girl, I am even more grateful and thankful for such a good dad. I think girls really need that love, affection and adoration when they are little. I always felt beautiful, intelligent, listened to and loved. I might not always see eye-to-eye with my dad and I might not have always made the choices he wished for me, but he gave me the gift of confidence and perspective from an early age. Even now, I wake up every day knowing that my dad thinks I'm really special -- regardless of all that life throws at me -- and that is really special to me.

So, Dad. I think you are pretty awesome. I'm a lucky little girl.

XOXO,
Raymee Jo

2010-11-14T12:40:00.001-06:00

iheartspaghetti

We weren't supposed to be home today. We were supposed to be in Illinois
celebrating my dad on his birthday. But my 'lil one is sick :-(
So, I'm turning my frown upside down and making a lasagna for dinner.
I love to start a Sunday meal early in the day. It's like foreplay...

2010-11-13T14:23:00.000-06:00

Feel better, Birdie. I'm ready to play!

With my whole heart,

Mommy

Saturday, November 13

2010-11-13T14:17:00.001-06:00

We had to take Birdie to the doc this a.m. b/c this nasty bug simply won't let up. She's lethargic, cranky, achy and refuses most food and drink. :-( It's a sad state of affairs. But on the upside, she hasn't given Dfab or I this much attention since she was a wee tiny bebe. Being able to hold her and provide comfort is such a beautiful, simple, honest thing. We relish every second.

So today, I'm grateful for strong arms, a soft chest and a happy marriage. All provide comfort to our precious little one.

Friday, November 12

2010-11-12T07:20:00.000-06:00

I am grateful for waking up with a clear head and the ability to not overreact. Even when I reeeaaally want to. I have to admit that when my tiny child is fighting off any illness, my mind goes to all sorts of psycho places trying to imagine what is wrong with her. But I am trying to harder to contain myself and let the inner-mommy win over the anxious-Raymee.

So, I choose to look at her perfect face snoozing next to me on the couch and know she is fine. Better than fine. She's my BIRD. Even if my clear headedness only lasts until she wakes up from her nap...I'm thankful for the respite from my wild brain.

Skip to the Lou

2010-11-11T22:01:00.000-06:00

Thanks to my friend Chris, our Etsy page got a little love this week. I wouldn't be a good mompreneur if I didn't ask you to go look at it, would I? Keep your eye on Skip to the Lou b/c we've got some surprises in the mix and we're gonna show up soon. Maybe in color!

XO http://www.etsy.com/shop/skiptothelou

Thursday, November 11

2010-11-11T07:13:00.000-06:00

It's hard to look at this picture and see a soldier. All I see is a little blonde cutie pie that I want to go back in time and hug senseless.

But that little guy standing next to me (yes, that is little me) is my brother Tyson and he proudly served our country in the Air Force for 6 years. Next August, our little baby brother Reid will enlist in the Marines. I am so grateful for the sacrifices our soldiers make and the bravery they show doing something everyday that they believe in. For us. It's a blessing I am not sure I would fully understand if the military had not personally affected me.

I am thankful to both of my brothers. In order to better their own lives, they are serving all of us. No matter where you stand politically, honor is honor.

So, to all the soldiers (but especially my sweet, brave, hilarious brothers): much love and continued safety.

Wednesday, November 10

2010-11-10T06:55:00.000-06:00

Today, I am grateful for a messy house and the family I pick-up after every single day.

I went to bed a little cranky and SO ready for the day to be over (that is a long story and one I WISH I could blog about...) When I woke up my mood was changed but there were shoes scattered about every room, a sink full of dirty dishes, my dining table converted to a laundry sorting station....

But, so what if Dfab leaves his shoes in every open crevice of this house? So what if I literally fell to my knees b/c I tripped over a toy car in the hallway while carrying the baby in the dark? So what if I will spend the better part of my day picking up and cleaning only to do it all over again tomorrow? I am grateful that this house is filled with a family. I am so thankful that the family is mine.

first braid!

2010-11-09T12:43:00.001-06:00

Today I gave my Birdie her very first braid. It's kind of a big deal in this house. We are braid people. Dfab loves me in my braids (he can't help it. he is a recovering hippie and he always likes me best in denim, braids and free of makeup. god bless dfab, for real!) and now we have a baby braid. It's the little things in life, people...it really truly is.

Tuesday, November 9

2010-11-09T09:58:00.000-06:00

I am thankful for leggings. I am thankful for my black, stretchy, shiny leggings. I love how they look with my ballet flats and how they keep my chambray dress from looking too sloppy. And with a quickness, I am off to look not too sloppy for the entire day.

Monday, November 8

2010-11-08T08:53:00.000-06:00

Today, I am grateful for the ability to rearrange my day with limited stress. I am also grateful that having Milabird has taught me how to be flexible in ways I didn't think were possible for my ducks-in-a-row nature.

Couple of gratitude sidebars:
---I'm super thankful for my first experience baking with puff pastry. On the menu: parmesan cheese straws to go with dinner & for this week's sweet treat - nutella and peanut turnovers.
-- I am glad that I read Rolling Stone from cover to cover so that this week I am re-loving Phoenix all over again. Music=Love.

Sunday, November 7

2010-11-07T07:25:00.000-06:00

I am thankful for the wee small hours of the morning and time alone with Milabird. She's all snuggly in her tye-dyed jammies, hugging her bunny and seeking me out for comfort. 5:30 comes early but it also comes sweetly.

Saturday, November 6

2010-11-07T07:23:00.000-06:00

If you are ever in a slump, hop on a train with your best gals, drink wine all day and bask in the beautiful fall weather. Two words that make me smile and laugh 'til tears: Amy & Lara. XO, Ladies.

Friday, November 5

2010-11-07T07:17:00.000-06:00

Everyday (sometime) between the hours of Noon and 3 p.m. my house becomes very still. The hum of the baby monitor in the background gives way to my favorite iPod mix and a mad dash to get work done, finish the laundry, do the dishes OR simply play Facebook. I'm thankful for whatever teeny tiny shred of time I have to myself during the day. I like me. It's fun to hang out.

Thursday, November 4

2010-11-07T07:12:00.000-06:00

Today is all about Nicki. I am so super incredibly grateful for Nicki. With one whip of her pen - she brings it to life. I love you, Nicki. TSL4ever.

Wednesday, November 3

2010-11-03T10:00:00.000-05:00

As I type I'm surrounded by plastic toy food, a shopping cart, a mail cart and two shrieking toddlers but I love it. I mean, they ARE letting me get these posts done, aren't they? As long as I ignore the mess and focus on the cute, I remain grateful for these two little people.

I'm also extremely thankful my mama friends. I'm so lucky that they trust me, love my baby girl and take time to help. Help is bliss.

Tuesday, November 2

2010-11-03T09:58:00.000-05:00

Today is election day. I woke up full of earnest to get out and vote but my day got caught up in errands and picking the baby up. We made it out to the polls after dinner and I was glad to have gone. I'm really thankful to live in a country where I have the right to vote. I'm also thankful to live in a country where I can freely express that I am truly disappointed with the state of politics in this country...it seems like an extreme contradiction to live somewhere where freedom reigns but mud slings.

Still, I'm thankful that we can rock the vote. It's what it is all about. Even Mila rocked the vote ;-)

Monday, November 1

2010-11-03T09:55:00.000-05:00

I am grateful for little girls. I had my little cousins Hannah and Ellie over tonight for pizza and to play with Mila. I love pretty much everything about little girls.

Being Thankful...

2010-11-03T09:54:00.000-05:00

A very dear friend of mine from childhood is sharing her thankfulness on Facebook every day. I think it's a great exercise in being grateful but also discipline to post everyday this month. So, here we go.

lady friends

2010-10-13T12:47:00.000-05:00

I had dinner last night with my lady friends. Hilarity. We tried a new place and they didn't serve alcohol. There were six panicked faces at that table - especially with three mothers without their children around the table. I am so grateful for my lady friends. They remind me who I am.. They make me laugh. I love my husband. I adore my bebe. But I truly need my lady friends.

I love my *mothers*.

xo

2010-10-13T12:44:00.001-05:00

It's hump day. I love saying that.

I'm FINALLY feeling better despite the lingering cough - which I'm mostly ignoring in hopes that it will take the hint and flee. Like I always tell Stella - "nobody likes that."

This week has had it's share of basement dwelling so far with reorganizing and working on the next glass order going out. All the basement dwelling has led to a lot of music listening which is a blessed thing. I pretty much can not stop listening to Arcade Fire. I downloaded Neon Bible. WHY DID I NOT ALREADY HAVE THIS ALBUM. Happiness. This is my fav.

envy envy is no fun...

2010-10-07T11:42:00.000-05:00

I am having serious new house envy. It seems like everyone I know is either upgrading their current house or moving into a house that is new to them. And, as my most honest self, I am envious.

I love our house. It's in one of my favorite neighborhoods in all of St. Louis. I love the cottagey, warm, cozy feel of this house. We got engaged here, made a baby here and bought that baby here to grow up with us. We've started businesses here, ran them and stored every single thing we produced in our teenytinysmall basement. So I don't want to let my house feel that I'm starting to stray...but I am...

I can close my eyes and see my next house. Spacious, one-level, lots of bedrooms and just enough bathrooms (I freaking HATE cleaning toilets and sinks.) A good yard and enough space for David and his employee gaggle can work on-site but out of site, too. I want the kids to have a yard to play in but be close enough to all the comforts of my city. Trees, flowers and room for the compost pile, too.

Oh well, for now I think I should close my eyes and try to see patience in my future, too. ;-)

got me thinking...

2010-10-06T20:48:00.000-05:00

I've been following this blog that I LOVE - pacingthepanicroom - one of the most recent posts talks about the writer's current estrangement from his parents. I read it and reread it several times and it got me thinking about how many adult people are estranged from their parents - at least for significant portions/periods of time.

By all definitions, I am estranged from one of my parents. It pretty much sucks. But it also feels like the only way I can really live a peaceful life - and that feeling (while true and justified) brings about other feelings of guilt. What kind of murpile doesn't like their own parent? What does that mean for ME as a parent?

I mean, it's some seriously heady shit, isn't it? When I was pregnant I probably almost killed my cousin Nicki with my constant musings on the topic. What did it mean for me as a new parent? Especially as the mother to a tiny baby girl who would someday grow into a woman...and be a little bit like my peer. Looking back on MY life with her keen eye into my soul...My therapist said to me, "One of two things will likely occur when you give birth and begin to get to know your child -- 1) you will feel a sense of urgency or desire to connect with your parent or 2) you will feel even more at peace with where you are in the relationship cycle b/c the past will be even more confusing to you.

I'm way into #2. I simply don't get it and I simply don't know how to fix it. So I do nothing. I'm pretty content with nothing until the guilt starts to creep up. And it always does.

XO

bake-a-saurus rex

2010-10-06T17:35:00.000-05:00

Today I baked an apple pie and a loaf of banana bread. And before I go to sleep I will complete a shopping list for a monster batch of monster cookies I will bake on Friday. I don't want to cook dinner. I'll just eat banana bread and for dessert I'll have apple pie a-la-mode. Best Day Ever.

ps- putting blueberries in banana bread is tantamount to sheer bliss. try it. love it.

xo

2010-10-05T19:53:00.000-05:00

I'm in my jammy jams, my bebe is resting soundly, the doors are locked and I'm settling in to watch Glee.

Tuesday. It's been a good one. 'Til next week...

xo

2010-10-04T21:56:00.001-05:00

i really need my baby to stop looking like a child.
cool it, birdie.
please? just slow down a little?

with my whole heart, mommy

content and contentment

2010-10-04T21:48:00.000-05:00

Being sicky has given me some time. My brain has been mushy and my thoughts have been self-centered. Aside from feeling like dirt and worrying about Mila pretty much non-stop, I've been having some great ideas regarding some book content. Maybe it's the cold medicine....or night sweats which give me some rare awake time at 3, 4 and 5 a.m. Whatever, I'll take it.

I had such a great summer and I really needed it. I dropped my client load down really low and spent some QT with Mila, learned more about Dfab's biz and packaged a LOT of glass. But I think I need a little more now. I don't want to spend the winter cooped up like a dog with no outlet. It won't be good for mommy and it won't be good for Mila. I am feeling more confident that we are working toward a more permanent-ish schedule and it's time for me to get off my summer vacation kick and get back to school. And get down to business.

As Nicki always says, "we've got some irons in the fire." And it's true. This shit isn't going to solve itself but my to-do list is long.

-- website (can we afford it?)
-- photography (can we write off the new camera that I want and can I convince Dfab that our current camera is not cutting it?)
-- etsy (time is on my side, see photos)
-- overstock (sell, sell, sell)
-- materials for side project (writing/design)
-- plan for second side project (xoxonicki)
-- skip to the motherfuckinglou (xoxonicki)
-- package, package, package
-- organize basement (glass, storage and packaging center)
-- write, write, write (make time for myself or i'm being a daft cow)

Notice, there isn't much PR on this list. Am I really ready to let it go.....?

sicky sicky blah blah

2010-10-04T21:05:00.000-05:00

Mila and I have been sick and it stinks. It's taxing to be sick and take care of myself but add in a sick Milabird and shit gets real interesting. At one point last week, I found myself arguing with a toddler who can't even speak. We were just trading whines at one another. We all have our low points....eh?

I'm willing this to be a better week! I washed the bedding today and wiped everything down and welcomed some fresh, cool air into the house (despite shivers, dirty looks and complaints from the hubs :-)

ucky

2010-09-29T20:03:00.000-05:00

my petite darling isn't feeling her best. she's got snot dripping out of her nose like a faucet. she wipes her face and repeats "ucky" over and over again. i feel ya sister.

having a tiny bebe who isn't feeling well takes a toll - eventually. after about 48 hours toddling around the house whining and clinging and sniffling and sneezing we are both starting to lose it. my sympathy and my worry are my constant companions but they have abandoned me today, too. but no one likes tiny humans to rub yogurt on their walls and mirrors. it's not just a raymee thing.

today's ucky. word.

silly pants

2010-09-25T21:23:00.000-05:00

We are going through a very silly phase right now. I couldn't love it more if I tried. When I was pregnant I would rub my belly and wish for some serious silliness. She's a silly pants genie in a bottle...

exquisite

2010-09-25T21:12:00.002-05:00

There is really nothing in this life, in my experience, that compares to the exquisteness of my baby sleeping. All snuggly in her crib with a warm face and warm hands and feet. I can't resist touching her soft soft soft hair and fight the urge (every single night for nearly 15 months) to pick her up and craddle her (while she'll still let me) and whisper into her ear "I love you. I love you. I love you. With my whole heart."

Oh, Milabird. You make my heart so happy.

backyard bliss

2010-08-25T13:45:00.000-05:00

birdie and i just spend a few hours roaming around the backyard. we covered the hilly part with the overgrowth and wood pile. we wandered over to the brick patio and examined the moss growing through the cracks. we agree it's pretty cool and we shouldn't get rid of the moss.

we walked down the hill by the broken grill and then over to the big maple tree in the center of the yard. we found a convenient bench on the backside of the tree and we chilled there for a few seconds. we spotted the sandbox and the water table and we pushed them on their sides and dumped out all of the toys. we tried to pick them up, but we got distracted by the deflated baby pool. after we dumped handfuls of leaves into the baby pool pile, we laid out our bright blue blanket and sky gazed.

it's such a beautiful day. it's birdie's naptime foreplay. energy burns out into a short slumber. laying next to my little girl on this bright blue blanket under this bright blue sky is bliss.

renewed perspective

2010-08-18T10:19:00.000-05:00

I woke up with a bit of renewed perspective today. I woke up (way too freaking early again) thinking about what I HAD to do today. The list is pretty small which should have felt like a YAY but instead it made me feel like a loser.

How am I accounting for the hours in my day? Before the baby I kept busy with clients, lunches, errands, chores, friends and nights out followed by days spent recovering. Now, I spend my days chasing a tiny human, keeping up with house work, running to the store to replenish our milk and banana supply.

I hear myself saying these kinds of things all the time. But the simple fact is, I DO have some free time. I just don't use it wisely. I use it play Facebook, which - let's face it - is NOT improving my life in any real way. I also check my email. Obsessively. I developed my email habit back in 2000 and I doubt I will ever change. My old job made me email paranoid and so I check my email constantly. Blech.

But while I'm wrapped up in all these other tasks I have these ideas floating through my head. Characters, story lines, topics and thoughts just waiting to be written down and flushed out and removed from my brain. So I'm adopting a renewed perspective on my life. It's not about time, it's how I'm spending my time. I'm gonna spend more wisely...or at least try to.

Realization is half the journey, eh?

slow night, so long

2010-03-29T21:09:00.000-05:00

i'm rattling around the basement tonight, cleaning up the mess of taxes, billing, packaging and all around insanity we've been conducting in this tiny house lately. out of this insanity has come significant clarity on many things so for this mess i am grateful right now. i'm also grateful to my tiny girl who is sleeping like a champ and giving me a few moments to myself tonight.

2/2 neighborhood watch

2010-02-02T08:13:00.000-06:00

In the morning I like to open the front window and curl into a tiny corner of the couch. It's quiet and often still dark...sadly. But it's become my routine to nurse the baby and relax into the morning.

I've become a bit of a neighborhood watch. My nature makes me nosey...the lady across the street has a strange, obsessive and new relationship with her dog. She marches around in sweatpants and strange wide-brimmed hats...up and down the sidewalks. The elderly couple next door are predictable beyond belief. Constantly backing one of their two maroon cars up and down the drive. Pulling into our driveway, parking on the street, moving the other car, back into the driveway, the husband finally gets into the running car - the wife yelling at hime all along the way - in between every step of this activity.

The younger couple across the street are hilarious. He goes to school for his MBA and chills all day (my kinda guy!!) and I'm not sure what she does but I imagine she's a bank teller or something. Anyway, she acts like every morning is antartic and starts warming her car up at least 30 mins before she leaves for work. The other day it sat there warming up for 42 minutes. (Yes, I watched the clock b/c I'm eco-concious and trying to be quietly entertained while my baby grants me 30 minutes of quiet while she cat naps...see: nosey)

1/13

2010-01-13T22:24:00.000-06:00

You know, sometimes sticking up for myself sucks. But tonight I did and I'm pretty I'll sleep better but that nagging, tugging feeling will stick around for a few days. Blah.

It's hard being a mom and working and trying to meet the demands and do my job when, if I'm being honest, I only want to be with the baby. When I got pregnant I knew that certain things about work were going to change and I told myself that I would take things day by day and make it work to keep Mila at home. I've had to change my approach to business - conference calls in the morning and during naps, coffee dates instead of lunch, not apologizing for taking Friday off and not beating myself up when I work a little bit on Friday morning.

So, recently a client asked me to go on an overnight trip for a big planning meeting on the east coast. I immediately felt a sense of panic. I have never left my daughter for more than 6 hours. I'm still breastfeeding every 2 hours and my mind was racing of all the reasons it wouldn't work. But the reality of the situation was that I simply am not ready to leave her yet. It might not be rational, but it's honest. And the reason that I work here at home is to give myself the freedom to make these choices and take this time with Mila. You can imagine my surprise when said client calls me back after several conversations in which we determine (each time) that I will not be going on the trip to revisit the topic. Not only does he call me to revisit the topic, now the overnight trip is turning into a 3 day, two night trip.

I'm laughing inside. But I laugh when I'm nervous (like when Pam had the weight dropped on her leg...). I am also ticked that it's 9:15 p.m. and I'm getting client calls about something I feel I have been as honest as possible about. But I'm also ticked b/c I am feeling guilty. I was honest, again. I can't make a two night trip away from the baby...I can't and I'm not ready. Sorry.

I resent feeling guilty about this. I thought working at home would be better, less guilt. But I've come to realize the guilt is just different. It's guilt over too much time in the exersaucer. Too much time in the sling while I stand at the counter and pound out email responses. Guilt over saying no to clients when I used to always say yes. Guilt for not being able to answer the phone every single time. Guilt, guilt, guilt.

The bottom line is that I want to do good work and find people that I like working with. I can only get there by being honest. I gotta figure it out somehow...it's always better when I listed to the nagging tug...

1/9

2010-01-09T20:57:00.000-06:00

i'm so tired. i haven't slept a wink. i'm so tired. my mind is on the blink. i wonder should i get up and fix myself a drink...no no no. i'm so tired. i don't know what to do. although i'm so tired my mind is set on you.

sleepy saturday night at home. baby in bed, hubs in the kitchen, me on the couch snuggling with my laptop. bliss.

2010!

2010-01-08T10:27:00.000-06:00

I can't believe it's another year. Already. My little baby is 6 months old and it's already the New Year! Welcome!

We rung in the New Year the best way possible with close friends, yummy snacks and total relaxation (and Captain Morgan... of course!). Now it's January and I've taken down the tree and said goodbye to the last of the holiday visitors and I've even figured out how to deal with the enormous amount of toys dumped in our house over the past 3 weeks. But what I haven't figured out STILL is whether or not to set or follow or even put resolutions to paper...however loosely intentioned.

But it's nagging me for a reason - eh? Perhaps it's the same nagging that I swallow everyday b/c life is life is life is life. And each year the New Year reminds me that I CAN make some small changes and take some bigger steps towards what I'm really wanting. And I CAN also say goodbye to some habits that I'm not particularly proud of. I can't really fail IF I just sorta, kinda try...

So here is a short list. I'm thinking of it more as Raymee-improvements to be made as seen fit by Raymee at the convenience of Raymee. I freaking love myself.

But seriously...change is good.

2010

-- organize and say goodbye. less. less. less. even with baby i will try to have less.

-- take time for myself and make time for my girlfriends.

-- be more like my girlfriends (finding balance, making the best of things, believing in what they do and being really good moms and friends)

-- get serious.

-- be honest about expectations.

-- see rachel and nicki more. (dead serious)

-- get rid of some janky facebook friends (deadly serious) and twitter more.

-- go on a trip with david and mila

Not too bad...I might even have more to add!

12/28 what to do? what to do?

2009-12-28T14:49:00.001-06:00

Whoa! I'm a lazy ass blogger and I'm super sorry about it. I've been in a holiday daze/craze and it's coming to an end and I can resume my normal level of craziness.

Birdie enjoyed her first Christmas and Hanukkah but not as much as we enjoyed watching her taking it all in. What a big girl - 6 months old now. Time flies and it is making this momma shed a tear...My friend Alison once said "everyday is precious..." in a state of total drunken sadness. But it's so true. Alison is a really smart drunk. ;-)

Well, I'm watching Birdie fight a nap on the monitor and thinking about New Year's resolutions. David asked me this morning if I was planning to make any. Same shit, different year for me but I'm thinking about them anyway...what to do, what to do, what to do?

Stay tuned...

Christmas came early for me this year. June 27 - best present ever!

12/10

2009-12-10T16:01:00.000-06:00

I am really struggling with how to handle a client situation so I confess right here that I might decide to NOT handle it until Monday. That's right. I might choose to ignore this situation. Procrastinate if you will. I do not deserve a star today...

12/9 julia, julia, julia

2009-12-09T08:19:00.000-06:00

I watched Julie and Julia last night. I loved it. I haven't really been able to stop thinking about the movie b/c I somehow felt connected to the story...loosely.

I felt envious of Julia Child. I felt full of admiration for her, too. Just someone in possession of herself living out her passions and being who she is. That voice, her imposing height. Everything. It probably didn't help that Meryl Streep plays her in the movie b/c I heart Meryl. And the modern-day characted, Julie. I identify with her immesely. Working in a job she doesn't love and in transition with her life she takes a chance on something she really wants to do and it's super hard and it doesn't go smoothly and it disappoints her over and over again.

That's what I haven't been able to stop thinking about. Disappointment. I'm so afraid of disappointing myself or my husband or making a mistake that I feel stalled in changing my life. I just had a baby...I just got married...David has been SO busy... All of these things are true. And they happen in the lives of every person, every where, every year.

In the movie, Julia says "no excuses, no explanations..." She means that you don't need to point out your mistakes, to just carry on as if everything is how it should be. That's true. But I think I need to take it in different ways - don't call attention to my mistakes (because who really fucking cares?) and stop making excuses and exp(comp)laining...It's true.

12/8 maybe i'm amazed!

2009-12-08T14:28:00.000-06:00

Today is my second wedding anniversary!

Over the weekend, the hubs and I talked about going out and enlisted my in-laws to care for baby girl while we went and enjoyed a meal together. But...all the while...neither of us could think of a single place we really wanted to go eat. Every time we discussed it, the conversation went south. David is working non-stop on a big deadline and lately, getting my work done and keeping Mila happy throughout the day is what I'm all about.

When I woke up this morning, I asked David where he wanted to eat. No eye contact, strained face. I started to secretly not want to go out. This felt forced. could I NOT want to go out and share a meal with the man I love? HOw could I not want to go out and celebrate our marriage and our little baby? But I didn't want to...and could tell her didn't either. So we scratched our plans and decided to stay home.

Over lunch, I stare at David wondering if our lives have become utterly boring and ridiculous. Was going out to dinner such a chore for us? Were we THAT tired? Despite the busy work schedules and demanding little baby - were we really unable to pull it together? Yep. I followed David into the kitchen. "Are we a terrible married couple?" But before he could answer, I noticed how truly tired he has been for the past few weeks. And I think at the same time, he noticed how tired I am. And I knew right then that we are not a terrible married couple. We are an awesome married couple.

So, Baby, in lieu of a card or a present or a even a yummy meal, please know that I'm amazed. Every single day I'm amazed by hard how you are work for our family. I'm amazed that you relentlessly support me and push me and nag me and love me into being the best Raymee I can be. I'm amazed that you still do it even when I'm not being the best Raymee I can be. I'm amazed that you gave me this beautiful little girl and it amazes me even more how you just know how to be such a good dad. And an amazing husband in so many ways that are not appropriate to mention in a public forum. But just know, from my heart to yours forever, I'm amazed.

Here's to pizza delivery, Thai pick-up or even brownies in bed.

Love and cuddles today and for the next 100 years.

12/2

2009-12-02T16:27:00.000-06:00

Today is one of those days that tests my patience beyond words but then I look at this little face...and poof! It doesn't really matter, does it?

11/27 p.m. Miss Malon

2009-11-27T22:09:00.000-06:00

Rant: My choir teacher, Miss Malon, used to smile when she was saying something rude or cutting or condscending. She did it all the time and I loathed it. But I also became adept at picking it up in other people. I need to thank Miss Malon.

See, Miss Malon didn't know that she was preparing me for my adult life. A family member does this to me all the time. Smiling while eyeing my shapely (:-) figure and asking me if I have chosen an eating philosophy for my 5-month old daughter. Smiling while she tells me she'd like me to cancel my lunch plans and join her for her birthday meal since her daughter lives in Chicago and can't make it. All smiles. All the time. But where's the real? The same as with Miss Malon, why not just say what you mean to say?

Not (nice, tight smile) "Raymee, your solo was pretty sharp today." (smile widens) "Why don't you go practice where you're not bothering the rest of the group?" (smiling still?)

Not (sickly sweet smile) "I really like it when you wear your hair down." (smile tightens but enthusiasm increases) "Isn't it nice to make yourself look put together sometimes?!"

I'm onto you. Like I like to say, you can't fuck a fucker. Back it up.

11/25 lunchtime

2009-11-25T12:27:00.000-06:00

Today, I am sitting around being super in-love with my little Milabird. Being her mommy is the best ever! Motherhood is all about perspective but the views pretty good from up here :-)

As I lay little baby down for a quick nap, I'm getting ready to head into oatmeal cookie and pecan pie land. Thanksgiving is imminent. Gobble Gobble!

xoxo

11/24 a.m.

2009-11-24T10:23:00.001-06:00

I've been asking my friends to FaceBook me and tell me what they are thankful for. Lots of good answers - healthy families and friendship are tops, as they should be!

This year, I am wildly aware of how blessed I am and how thankful I should be - a happy, healthy, gorgeous baby girl, my loving, adorable and inspiring husband and a family that shows and gives love easily.

I am also a big believer in the power of female friendship. I love and adore my girlfriends - they are my sisters. Without them my days would be long and bland. Each of their stories is woven into my daily life and I am truly grateful. You know who you are! Your mother loves you!

11/23 p.m. being right is tight

2009-11-23T17:00:00.000-06:00

i really love being right. today i have been right about several things and it pleases me! i got to be right in the following situations with a client, my husband, my husband again (BONUS), my cousin and in response to something the universe tossed my way.

it doesn't happen everyday, people. it's not bragging when it is a near miracle.

11/23 p.m.

2009-11-23T15:03:00.000-06:00

I am dreading Christmas/Hanukkah shopping this year. I just want to buy everything online from Etsy. My dad and David's dad are the barriers there -not sure what I'll find on Etsy to make them happy :-) A monogrammed scarf perhaps?

But perhaps I'm dreading shopping b/c I've been reluctant to tell my family what I'd like to receive. I want to ask for gifts from the universe this year. I love new cookbooks, movies, music and nightgowns but what I'd really like is some motivation and some gumption to get my ass in gear. I'd also like to ask for a wee bit of courage to stop worrying about everyone else all the time and some short-sightedness (yes, SHORTsightedness) to keep me from looking too closely at the big picture. One foot in front of the other...today is what counts!

11/21 a.m.

2009-11-21T08:03:00.002-06:00

i was awake this morning way before the baby. seems be a trend lately. it's funny how i dread work all week but then on saturday morning those last few, overlooked items on my to-do list come spilling out of me and i'm driven to get caught up.

more and more i want to put my pr work aside and work to build david's company/brand. every good idea i have seems better spent on david but i always worry if this little family can handle total collaboration :-)

cross your fingers as we continue along this path towards entrepreneurial domination. xoxo